So, here we are yet again....approaching that time of the year where holiday parties, food, drink, family, and friends abound. It is Christmastime.
I want to take a moment here to say a few things about this time of year. Stay with me as things might get a little messy, as I have a lot of mixed emotions about it.
As a kid, Christmas was always a stressful time for me. We were pretty much poor and couldn't afford much. We even had the Jaycee's (a charitable organization) bring gifts to the house on more than one year.
Half the time I spent the holidays at home with my Mom and the others with my Dad in another city from where I lived. My parents were divorced and I spent much of my childhood (right up until I hit adolescence) traipsing back and forth between parents' houses and schools and circles of friends; Christmas was no different.
At Mom's house, we focused more on the reason for the season and as a kid, I never really appreciated it. Instead, my young heart was envious of my friends' lavish gift displays set out by their parents; I wished I was them, that their parents were my parents.
At Dad's house, my brother and I would hit the jackpot! Keyboard, new clothes, jewelry...the catch was that I had to leave it all at Dad's house. This decision was made after the year that my Dad bought my brother and I a television set for Christmas and my mom took it back to the store to get the money. Instead of a TV, we got a large cardboard train that was big enough for us to get inside and "drive" through the garage.
So, all my cool Christmas loot was only mine part-time. I can remember feeling anxious going back to Mom's house after a Christmas at Dad's, feeling let down that I couldn't bring it home to enjoy.
Fast forward a few years and I was 14. I got a lot of gifts that year. I guess it made up for the poor quality of home life that was experienced the rest of the year. After that, Christmas kind of became one of those holidays that I just stopped caring about.
Sure, I still gave and received and had a wish list each year and even as an adult participated with an "I love the Christmas Season!" mask on and even participated in placing myself in financial distress. Honestly, it has made me uncomfortable for about half my life.
Now that I am older, looking back I see that it wasn't so much CHRISTMAS I opposed, but it was more the situations and feelings attached to it.
I still do not buy into the commercialism of the purpose for this day....although I do still give, this year it was a lot different for me.
I gave with a JOYFUL heart...because I wanted to, not because I felt like I should or I had to.
Let me take that back actually...it was not JUST this year. It has been the past couple years. I think that it has to do largely with the fact that I have found a safe and loving environment in which to celebrate this occasion and have begun to change the traditions of my past and create my own revised, updated, and modern ones.
I also think that over the past few years I have been fumbling with my relationship with the Lord. This year has been exceptionally difficult for me and my spirituality in many ways and on many levels. But, it has also brought me to a deeper understanding and feeling of closeness to Him; who He is, who I am to Him, and where I fit in this world.
Now, by no means am I claiming to have it all figured out. I would be a liar if I said I did. I am pretty sure no one does; not even the people who say they do or who you think does. What I am saying is that this year, as I am sure each year should be, has been a time of growth for me, both personally and spiritually.
I feel like I am settled in areas that I didn't even realize I wasn't settled in until I felt settled and there are still areas I need to find balance in. I feel as though I have changed in the inside, but for the better. I am able to give more openly, love more freely, and be happier with less. However, I still struggle in these areas on some levels as well. Like I said, I don't have it figured out...just a better understanding of myself BECAUSE I have learned to look to and rely on the Lord, my God.
Thinking back to my childhood, I can appreciate the fact that Mom tried to instill these things in me, even if I thought she was weird and grew up to stray far, far from the Lord; He was always in my belief system, I just didn't implement Him into my lifestyle.
Normally during the holiday season I get depressed, abuse food, gain weight, and begin the new year in self-loathe mode, even if I wear a smile and an extra ten pounds on the outside. It has been this way for as long as I can remember; I attributed this time of year to anxiety, stress, sadness, loneliness, and ultimately disappointment. I used to even go as far to say that I hated Christmas.
In my defense, I was speaking more of the greediness that goes along with the commercialism and the tizzy people would put themselves into to provide adequate gifts for the people in their lives, while going so far into debt they started out their new year not much different that I began mine.
The past two years have been different though.
I will admit that this is the first year I have even purchased a live tree and put it up in my house. This is the first year that I have gone to a store and purchased actual ornaments to go on the tree, to include multiple strands of lights. I will also admit that the thrill of decorating a beautiful tree (which it is) any way I chose (which I did) quickly faded into feelings of depression and loneliness as I sat alone in my house, the only one to see it.
I debated about getting one at all.
I am here without my Husband and the rest of my family.
I am, however, surrounded by a group of amazingly wonderful and strong women who are special to me. We have decided to spend the holiday together, making our own tradition, even if it lasts for only this season.
That is really the only reason I even put a tree up.
After a few days of coming home and seeing it, my sad thoughts began to dissipate and was replaced with anticipation of my friends' reactions when they see it lit up on Christmas Day. We are celebrating at my house (I absolutely love to entertain) with a delicious and healthy meal, time around the tree opening gifts, and spending some quality time together.
That is when I realized that the way I felt about Christmas and what I say about how I feel about Christmas is not actually how I feel about Christmas.
I still do not agree with the frantic commercialism.
I do, however, think that finding a special something for someone you love is a joyous moment; spotting something that they will really appreciate or that will make their life a little easier or more enjoyable...that is what I feel Christmas should be about.
If you think about it, it is not much different that what God did by giving us Jesus.
He gave us a gift that would bring joy to our lives upon our acceptance of it; He knew we would enjoy and benefit from this gift. It was chosen carefully, purposefully and was fully intended for our use. It was unwrapped as a surprise. He knew that by knowing Jesus Christ, our lives would become enriched, have deeper meaning, and become more fulfilling.
So, giving is one thing. Commercialism is a total other thing. But what it really comes down to is Jesus really IS the reason for the season.....maybe we should focus more on that and the fellowship with those around us. Enjoy the time with one another, relish it, savor it, imprint it in your mind, make memories from it. But please, do not lose sight of what this holiday is really about.
Now that I can see where the ill feelings stem from, it is easy for me to dismiss them and make room for new feelings with a much more positive vibe.
When the day comes and I have my own family, I definitely want Jesus to be the main focal point of this holiday instead of Santa.
I want my children growing up to understand the love God has for them; that He proved it by giving us his Son, Jesus. I want my children to understand the magnitude of that. I want them to want to give MORE than they want to receive. I want them to know the joy of seeing another's joy. I want my children to love Christmas.
I think I can finally say that I do....and not for the gifts or even the time with friends, but for the sheer fact that I know if He had never been born, His life would have never been given up to save mine. What a sad, lonely, and disappointing life it would have been then!
Who could dislike Christmas when it is looked at from that perspective??
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Gasping for Air
I feel like I cannot catch my breath....I have been going a million miles a minute and feel like I have had ZERO time to relax in the last 2 weeks. Even when I am out with friends, obligations and tasks are lurking in the back of my mind.
I am working and doing things right up until the time I go to bed. I should actually be there now, but I wanted to take a second and just get this off my chest; maybe I will feel better.
Work has been INSANE and we have been very busy...we have also had a lot of long days, leaving very little tile for much else during the week, even though that time is needed to balance my life.
For the past few months I have found it incredibly difficult to get into a groove. I feel all over the place. I feel spread too thin. I feel scattered. I feel unraveled. I feel exhausted.
This week I am really going to focus on taking some time out for myself each day, even if it is 15 minutes to just be still. I also am going to be better prepared this week so I can make it to the gym and eat clean. I did pretty well last week, up until Thursday and then it was downhill from there. I redeemed myself today and am prepped and ready to go for tomorrow.
This week will be a good week. It is the last week of full day schedule at work and next week we go to half days through the holidays, which will allow me some time to find my groove again.
Coming back into country after being gone for 5 months and having to get things back in order is hard when I have no time to do it. But, I am doing what I can when I can and I have gotten a lot accomplished; it has just been at the expense of time to do things I need to do for ME.
Tomorrow is a new day.
I am working and doing things right up until the time I go to bed. I should actually be there now, but I wanted to take a second and just get this off my chest; maybe I will feel better.
Work has been INSANE and we have been very busy...we have also had a lot of long days, leaving very little tile for much else during the week, even though that time is needed to balance my life.
For the past few months I have found it incredibly difficult to get into a groove. I feel all over the place. I feel spread too thin. I feel scattered. I feel unraveled. I feel exhausted.
This week I am really going to focus on taking some time out for myself each day, even if it is 15 minutes to just be still. I also am going to be better prepared this week so I can make it to the gym and eat clean. I did pretty well last week, up until Thursday and then it was downhill from there. I redeemed myself today and am prepped and ready to go for tomorrow.
This week will be a good week. It is the last week of full day schedule at work and next week we go to half days through the holidays, which will allow me some time to find my groove again.
Coming back into country after being gone for 5 months and having to get things back in order is hard when I have no time to do it. But, I am doing what I can when I can and I have gotten a lot accomplished; it has just been at the expense of time to do things I need to do for ME.
Tomorrow is a new day.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
I have been MIA....
It has been a loooong time since I last posted.
I kinda lost my motivation to stick with ANYTHING the past two months. But, I am back and better than ever. I think I needed to go through some stuff, gain some clarity about myself and my life, and gently place myself back on the wagon.
Let me assure you, I am on it.
So, there have been several changes in my life over the past couple months.
I started eating grains.
I started eating dairy.
I realized that I think I may have a sensitivity to gluten and dairy (in some forms).
I stopped doing CrossFit.
I started back in the regular gym, lifting and doing cardio as I embark on a journey to reaching one of my long time goals of competing in a figure competition (April 16, 2011).
I am about to go home to a house I share with my Husband, but I won't be sharing it with him for several more months.
I have started studying the Word more often.
I am sure there are more things, but that is a pretty hefty list as it is. And not all of them are bad!
Nonetheless.......
I allowed all this change to (once again) consume me and instead of taking it on and prioritizing it, I tried to eat it all in one bite....needless to say, I CHOKED!
But, now, with a clearer head a my priorities in order, I am ready. I am PREPARED. I am EXCITED! And I am keeping my eye on the PRIZE!
My attitude changed when I realized why I was doing certain things. I was doing them for SELFISH reasons and that is why, I believe, I was failing at them.
When I realized why I SHOULD be doing them, things became clearer...easier to see, easier to handle, easier to get my head around.
Honestly, I have come to realize that I want to be the healthiest I can be not so I can look "hot" or get attention, or have an ego about my physique or overall look...I want to be the healthiest I can be so I can do the Lord's work. Whatever that may be....whatever He has planned for my life. I want to be able to carry it out in a way that is pleasing to Him. And in order to do that, I NEED TO BE HEALTHY, alert, and ready!
I hope to use becoming a physique athlete as a platform to do that; I hope to help others through it, however I can. It falls in line with what I WANT....I have a feeling that paying more attention to what God wants for me will get me farther. I pray this is what He wants but if it is not, I am hedging my bets on His way over mine. So we will see. Until then, I will continue to pray for guidance and press forward.
So, this post is really an re-introduction.
I will be posting much more often than I have been.
I will post about my journey to the stage. I am about 19 weeks and 4 days out from my very first show where I plan to do bikini and crossover into figure.
I will post about my accomplishments and my struggles and some pictures along the way too.
I have an incredible support system and amazing coaches at cathysavagefitness.com. She is an industry leader and continually produces success! I also have a couple friends I am training with who are Savage Girls....which I will also become January 1, 2011 when I officially begin my competition prep.
Right now, I am on another plan (I am using it as a preliminary primer, as I have been out of the regular gym for almost one year now) and and taking December ON!
I am dedicating the next 4 weeks to eating clean and NO SUGAR!!!! I don't use sugar and sweeteners anyway, so I don't think it will be so tough for me...I kind of have an advantage.
Well, just so you know what I did today (no specifics....you have to pay CSF for that!):
300m sprints coupled with 300m jogging/walking x30 minutes.
WHEW!!!!! I wanted to...and almost did....quit SO BAD at 15 minutes. But I told myself:
"No. You are half-way done. You are finishing this. You can DO THIS! Now RUN! FAST!"
Then, I did my workout on my rooftop terrace while taking in the breathtaking sunset over the city and being energized by the generous breeze. It was BEAUTIFUL this evening! It was like God's little gift for me doing such a good job on sprints!
I kinda lost my motivation to stick with ANYTHING the past two months. But, I am back and better than ever. I think I needed to go through some stuff, gain some clarity about myself and my life, and gently place myself back on the wagon.
Let me assure you, I am on it.
So, there have been several changes in my life over the past couple months.
I started eating grains.
I started eating dairy.
I realized that I think I may have a sensitivity to gluten and dairy (in some forms).
I stopped doing CrossFit.
I started back in the regular gym, lifting and doing cardio as I embark on a journey to reaching one of my long time goals of competing in a figure competition (April 16, 2011).
I am about to go home to a house I share with my Husband, but I won't be sharing it with him for several more months.
I have started studying the Word more often.
I am sure there are more things, but that is a pretty hefty list as it is. And not all of them are bad!
Nonetheless.......
I allowed all this change to (once again) consume me and instead of taking it on and prioritizing it, I tried to eat it all in one bite....needless to say, I CHOKED!
But, now, with a clearer head a my priorities in order, I am ready. I am PREPARED. I am EXCITED! And I am keeping my eye on the PRIZE!
My attitude changed when I realized why I was doing certain things. I was doing them for SELFISH reasons and that is why, I believe, I was failing at them.
When I realized why I SHOULD be doing them, things became clearer...easier to see, easier to handle, easier to get my head around.
Honestly, I have come to realize that I want to be the healthiest I can be not so I can look "hot" or get attention, or have an ego about my physique or overall look...I want to be the healthiest I can be so I can do the Lord's work. Whatever that may be....whatever He has planned for my life. I want to be able to carry it out in a way that is pleasing to Him. And in order to do that, I NEED TO BE HEALTHY, alert, and ready!
I hope to use becoming a physique athlete as a platform to do that; I hope to help others through it, however I can. It falls in line with what I WANT....I have a feeling that paying more attention to what God wants for me will get me farther. I pray this is what He wants but if it is not, I am hedging my bets on His way over mine. So we will see. Until then, I will continue to pray for guidance and press forward.
So, this post is really an re-introduction.
I will be posting much more often than I have been.
I will post about my journey to the stage. I am about 19 weeks and 4 days out from my very first show where I plan to do bikini and crossover into figure.
I will post about my accomplishments and my struggles and some pictures along the way too.
I have an incredible support system and amazing coaches at cathysavagefitness.com. She is an industry leader and continually produces success! I also have a couple friends I am training with who are Savage Girls....which I will also become January 1, 2011 when I officially begin my competition prep.
Right now, I am on another plan (I am using it as a preliminary primer, as I have been out of the regular gym for almost one year now) and and taking December ON!
I am dedicating the next 4 weeks to eating clean and NO SUGAR!!!! I don't use sugar and sweeteners anyway, so I don't think it will be so tough for me...I kind of have an advantage.
Well, just so you know what I did today (no specifics....you have to pay CSF for that!):
300m sprints coupled with 300m jogging/walking x30 minutes.
WHEW!!!!! I wanted to...and almost did....quit SO BAD at 15 minutes. But I told myself:
"No. You are half-way done. You are finishing this. You can DO THIS! Now RUN! FAST!"
Then, I did my workout on my rooftop terrace while taking in the breathtaking sunset over the city and being energized by the generous breeze. It was BEAUTIFUL this evening! It was like God's little gift for me doing such a good job on sprints!
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Leaky Wallet
October has been a rough month for me.
I know it is only the 13th, but so far it has been tumultuous.
I have extended past my spending boundaries and I feel pretty bad about it.
Looking at the account today I realized I am going to have about $500 less in the account come the 15th than I thought I would.
We have still saved a great deal of money this month but it could have been an even greater amount.
I have eaten out WAY more than I usually do and that is one of the things I feel the worst about. Money just thrown away in restaurants consuming food that does not make me any healthier.
What I splurged on wasn't all bad. I purchased my first ever real winter coat and a few pairs of boots and a couple leather jackets (all the boots and leather jackets were second hand; I found them all at Etsy at a great price).
I am a Florida Native and have still not learned how to dress myself appropriately for North Carolina winters. It snows and I normally freeze.
I decided to spend on some good quality timeless pieces that will last a long time and that is what I did. But I still feel really guilty.
It wasn't impulse necessarily and they are needed items. But I probably could have gotten away with buying less. Ugh.
What is it with me? I deal with stress with overindulgence be it with retail therapy or food. I have GOT to get a handle on this and learn some new coping methods. Every time I do this, I find a way to justify my actions in my head and then feel an immense amount of guilt afterward and ultimately end up feeling angry with myself which only perpetuates the lack my ability to cope.
Sometimes I feel like I am so on top of things and other times, I feel like a complete flake.
I know it is only the 13th, but so far it has been tumultuous.
I have extended past my spending boundaries and I feel pretty bad about it.
Looking at the account today I realized I am going to have about $500 less in the account come the 15th than I thought I would.
We have still saved a great deal of money this month but it could have been an even greater amount.
I have eaten out WAY more than I usually do and that is one of the things I feel the worst about. Money just thrown away in restaurants consuming food that does not make me any healthier.
What I splurged on wasn't all bad. I purchased my first ever real winter coat and a few pairs of boots and a couple leather jackets (all the boots and leather jackets were second hand; I found them all at Etsy at a great price).
I am a Florida Native and have still not learned how to dress myself appropriately for North Carolina winters. It snows and I normally freeze.
I decided to spend on some good quality timeless pieces that will last a long time and that is what I did. But I still feel really guilty.
It wasn't impulse necessarily and they are needed items. But I probably could have gotten away with buying less. Ugh.
What is it with me? I deal with stress with overindulgence be it with retail therapy or food. I have GOT to get a handle on this and learn some new coping methods. Every time I do this, I find a way to justify my actions in my head and then feel an immense amount of guilt afterward and ultimately end up feeling angry with myself which only perpetuates the lack my ability to cope.
Sometimes I feel like I am so on top of things and other times, I feel like a complete flake.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
The First Day Back
OK.
So, yesterday was my first day back. I was actually mindful of my nutrition. I was able to eat healthy portions that were right for my body size and I felt satisfied for several hours afterward. It felt good to eat clean and healthy food again.
Then, I went to the gym.
Wow.
I am out of shape, my friends. I felt sluggish and slow and flabby and weak.
I know within a couple weeks I will be feeling more energetic, faster, leaner, and stronger.
But this first day back was tough.
This was my WOD:
400m Run, 21 Thrusters (55#), 21 KB Swings (25#), 21 Knees to Elbows (Modified with rings); 800m run, 15 Thrusters, 15 KB Swings, 15 Knees to Elbows; 400m Run, 9 Thrusters, 9 KB Swings, 9 Knees to Elbows.
My time was 23:30.
I have GOT to get back to running...my cardio endurance is in the toilet.
I have decided to be gentle with myself and listen to my body. I do not want to do too much too soon but at the same time, I don't want to confuse my mind saying "I don't wanna!" with my body's urge to take it easy or rest.
I am going to CF again today and taking a rest tomorrow.
On the rest day from CF, I will most likely go for a little run and then do some ab work or something afterward.
I am already a little sore from last night, which is odd because it normally takes me a good 2 days to really feel the effects, but then again, I haven't really worked out in a while.
I took the advice that Melissa gave herself over at The Clothes Make the Girl.
During the month of October, after a 3 week vaca in Prague, she was attacking CF and working out like it was her first time. She wasn't comparing times, weight, PR's.....none of that. It was a clean start, a fresh slate.
I am adopting that same attitude. I am just going to go in there, be as focused as I can be and do my best.
I will repeat...
I know within a couple weeks I will be feeling more energetic, faster, leaner, and stronger.
So, yesterday was my first day back. I was actually mindful of my nutrition. I was able to eat healthy portions that were right for my body size and I felt satisfied for several hours afterward. It felt good to eat clean and healthy food again.
Then, I went to the gym.
Wow.
I am out of shape, my friends. I felt sluggish and slow and flabby and weak.
I know within a couple weeks I will be feeling more energetic, faster, leaner, and stronger.
But this first day back was tough.
This was my WOD:
400m Run, 21 Thrusters (55#), 21 KB Swings (25#), 21 Knees to Elbows (Modified with rings); 800m run, 15 Thrusters, 15 KB Swings, 15 Knees to Elbows; 400m Run, 9 Thrusters, 9 KB Swings, 9 Knees to Elbows.
My time was 23:30.
I have GOT to get back to running...my cardio endurance is in the toilet.
I have decided to be gentle with myself and listen to my body. I do not want to do too much too soon but at the same time, I don't want to confuse my mind saying "I don't wanna!" with my body's urge to take it easy or rest.
I am going to CF again today and taking a rest tomorrow.
On the rest day from CF, I will most likely go for a little run and then do some ab work or something afterward.
I am already a little sore from last night, which is odd because it normally takes me a good 2 days to really feel the effects, but then again, I haven't really worked out in a while.
I took the advice that Melissa gave herself over at The Clothes Make the Girl.
During the month of October, after a 3 week vaca in Prague, she was attacking CF and working out like it was her first time. She wasn't comparing times, weight, PR's.....none of that. It was a clean start, a fresh slate.
I am adopting that same attitude. I am just going to go in there, be as focused as I can be and do my best.
I will repeat...
I know within a couple weeks I will be feeling more energetic, faster, leaner, and stronger.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Fragility = Vulnerability
Self esteem is a fragile thing sometimes.
Normally, I really like myself and find myself to be attractive.
I normally think I am photogenic, have a nice smile, and pretty eyes.
It is amazing how much other physical elements can affect the way a person looks and even how they carry themselves.
Too thin of eyebrows, a weird colored shirt that clashes or washes out a person's face, bad make up application....but honestly the thing I think changes a person's appearance the most is their hair.
It could be the color, the style, but ultimately I think the cut is most dramatic.
It can either be the best or the worst accessory.
Recently I got a bad cut that was fixed only by lopping off my locks that I have been growing out for over a year; the cut I achieved by sticking it out through the weird phases, and that finally got where I was happy with it and loved the way it made me look.
I felt ultra feminine, very pretty, and was pleased that even when I would throw it up in a messy bun and headband that it still looked pretty darn cute.
Now, that is all over.
Now, don't get me wrong. I have been a short haired girl for most of my life.
I can rock the short 'do. But I really am not liking how I look right now.
I feel frumpy, masculine, and pretty unattractive. I feel like it makes me look heavier, my face rounder, and a lot less soft and sweet.
Maybe it is my attitude that makes me feel like I look hard, maybe the resentment is permeating my posture.
I mean, it is silly really. I don't know how many times I have written about this experience, be it on my FB wall, here, or mentioning it on other blogs or forums. I don't know what it is affecting me in such a dramatic way.
It is just hair. It will grow back.
But that logic doesn't soothe me. At all.
It is going to take a good long while for that to happen, for it to reach the point it was. I literally spent an hour tonight, perusing my photo library, looking back at pictures of me with longer hair.
It made me really sad.
I look like a completely different person.
I am just hoping in the next few weeks that it gets a bit longer where my bangs are at least a little longer and the sides are a little longer to give the appearance of length in the front and around my face.
Today, a friend was taking pictures of me, something I normally enjoy, but today.....I felt ugly and it came through in the photos; I looked like an 11 year old boy.
To mask how I really feel, I make funny faces or do stupid poses. I just feel insecure right now and I don't like it.
I wouldn't consider myself to be vain necessarily, but maybe this is a lesson about vanity in some way.
I don't know.
I do believe that there is a lesson in everything though so I want to try to find the lesson in this situation.
It might not be something as deep as looking at vanity in a different light....
The lesson might actually be to reschedule the appointment if you can see your stylist trying to juggle 2 clients at the same time in a slammed salon on a Saturday afternoon; to not show your stylist pictures and allow them to work with what you have to best suit your face; to be sure you have a mutual understanding of what you want and what you will be getting before you place yourself under the mercy of their flitting scissors watching chunks of your hair tumble to the ground....
Thankfully, the guy who fixed my hair did a great job so that all the tiny layers are the same length; at least it won't grow out to be a complete disaster.
I am hoping in 3 months that it is long enough for this post to look silly in contrast.
I have never been so upset over hair before...but it has seriously made me feel......gross. I cant explain it other than I feel stripped of my femininity almost.
I know that is totally irrational. But this has been a super traumatic experience for me that I can't seem to shake. I know that feeding my head thoughts of feeling gross and unfeminine and unattractive is not right and the more I think it the more I will convince myself that it is true.
I am frustrated, I am not going to lie. I am disappointed. I will get over it and my hair will grow, right back with my repaired self esteem.......and just like my hair, it might take a little while but everything will be ok.
Normally, I really like myself and find myself to be attractive.
I normally think I am photogenic, have a nice smile, and pretty eyes.
It is amazing how much other physical elements can affect the way a person looks and even how they carry themselves.
Too thin of eyebrows, a weird colored shirt that clashes or washes out a person's face, bad make up application....but honestly the thing I think changes a person's appearance the most is their hair.
It could be the color, the style, but ultimately I think the cut is most dramatic.
It can either be the best or the worst accessory.
Recently I got a bad cut that was fixed only by lopping off my locks that I have been growing out for over a year; the cut I achieved by sticking it out through the weird phases, and that finally got where I was happy with it and loved the way it made me look.
I felt ultra feminine, very pretty, and was pleased that even when I would throw it up in a messy bun and headband that it still looked pretty darn cute.
Now, that is all over.
Now, don't get me wrong. I have been a short haired girl for most of my life.
I can rock the short 'do. But I really am not liking how I look right now.
I feel frumpy, masculine, and pretty unattractive. I feel like it makes me look heavier, my face rounder, and a lot less soft and sweet.
Maybe it is my attitude that makes me feel like I look hard, maybe the resentment is permeating my posture.
I mean, it is silly really. I don't know how many times I have written about this experience, be it on my FB wall, here, or mentioning it on other blogs or forums. I don't know what it is affecting me in such a dramatic way.
It is just hair. It will grow back.
But that logic doesn't soothe me. At all.
It is going to take a good long while for that to happen, for it to reach the point it was. I literally spent an hour tonight, perusing my photo library, looking back at pictures of me with longer hair.
It made me really sad.
I look like a completely different person.
I am just hoping in the next few weeks that it gets a bit longer where my bangs are at least a little longer and the sides are a little longer to give the appearance of length in the front and around my face.
Today, a friend was taking pictures of me, something I normally enjoy, but today.....I felt ugly and it came through in the photos; I looked like an 11 year old boy.
To mask how I really feel, I make funny faces or do stupid poses. I just feel insecure right now and I don't like it.
I wouldn't consider myself to be vain necessarily, but maybe this is a lesson about vanity in some way.
I don't know.
I do believe that there is a lesson in everything though so I want to try to find the lesson in this situation.
It might not be something as deep as looking at vanity in a different light....
The lesson might actually be to reschedule the appointment if you can see your stylist trying to juggle 2 clients at the same time in a slammed salon on a Saturday afternoon; to not show your stylist pictures and allow them to work with what you have to best suit your face; to be sure you have a mutual understanding of what you want and what you will be getting before you place yourself under the mercy of their flitting scissors watching chunks of your hair tumble to the ground....
Thankfully, the guy who fixed my hair did a great job so that all the tiny layers are the same length; at least it won't grow out to be a complete disaster.
I am hoping in 3 months that it is long enough for this post to look silly in contrast.
I have never been so upset over hair before...but it has seriously made me feel......gross. I cant explain it other than I feel stripped of my femininity almost.
I know that is totally irrational. But this has been a super traumatic experience for me that I can't seem to shake. I know that feeding my head thoughts of feeling gross and unfeminine and unattractive is not right and the more I think it the more I will convince myself that it is true.
I am frustrated, I am not going to lie. I am disappointed. I will get over it and my hair will grow, right back with my repaired self esteem.......and just like my hair, it might take a little while but everything will be ok.
Friday, October 8, 2010
14 Days...
It has been a crazy 2 weeks.
I, in my crazy wisdom, decided that some good old fashioned self destruction was in order.
My diet.....pfft!
Exercise? It is a faint memory in the recesses of my mind.
I have been a complete mess, a train wreck...but this train is finally pulling back into the station.
This all started when I wrapped up my W30 and decided to start (responsibly) adding things back into my diet.
Then I went berserk.
THEN, last Saturday I went and got a haircut. Up until that afternoon, I had been so looking forward to getting a great cut by my dramatic stylist at the Holistic Salon. The spa was busy, he was in a hurry, I showed him a picture and told him to give me the same thing as last time except with shorter bangs.
When I was done, I wanted to cry. It looked AWFUL. It was weird and stringy and mullet-like, a hair helmet (hairmet was the term Husband came up with) and NOTHING at all like what I wanted, had ever had before, or even close to what I asked for.
I high tailed it out of there before I broke into tears and took myself to a small restaurant where I gorged myself on an entree, bread, dessert, and cafe con leche. I then proceeded to walk (this is where some of my exercise comes in) to Dunkin Donuts where I then purchased a muffin, 2 donuts, and another cafe con leche. And then I ate it. All. of. it.
I did it knowing full well that what I was doing was unhealthy and I didn't care. I was punishing myself. For what? I don't know. It wasn't like I cut my own hair (although it looked as though I did, blindfolded and with a machete) but I felt so angry and ugly that I wanted to further punctuate that feeling by abusing food and being cruel to myself, because after all, I deserved it.
So dumb.
And the worst thing is...I knew it was dumb and irrational the entire time I was doing it!
Crazy. I know.
Today I finally had it. I put my foot down and said, "Kara, enough is enough! You do not deserve this type of treatment! You deserve love and respect! You deserve to feel healthy and good! God gave you ONE body...why the abuse? Do you not appreciate what you have?"
I also came across something today on a blog I was reading today that hit me like a ton of bricks.
See, lately I have been dealing with some stuff (as I am sure we all have) and seem to have lost perspective. I have been desperately searching for it and while doing so have come slightly unraveled, overwhelmed, and feel like I am spinning out of control (hence the over eating). Much of it stems from being angry.
Now, I know what the bible says about anger and that love is slow to anger and that an angry person is a foolish one but reading this excerpt made me realize that the motivation behind my recent actions were so anger based.
This is what got me:
"Should anybody buy into this silly notion that anger is sometimes or often necessary?
Do you not understand that anger is almost always an emotion for people who wish to
control others while simultaneously failing to control themselves?......"
Let me break this down as to why it hit me the way it did (Man, God does truly work in mysterious ways and it is amazing to me how He uses different methods of getting the point across!)
I have been searching lately....searching for an answer to my woes not even fully comprehending what my woes are. I was searching in the dark basically.
I have had an incredulous attitude, have been completely unmotivated to see the positive side of anything, and I have been sure to voice my complaints loud and proud, to anyone that would listen, whether they wanted to or not. I can almost guarantee it was the latter.
Thankfully, I have a wonderful Husband who I can confide in and he always gives me loving (and very logical and honest) advice; he has played a huge role in gaining perspective.
Luckily, I also have good friends around me that don't get too hung up on my moodiness and know me for me and love me regardless. I will say, however, that I was unfairly taking advantage of that leeway and was totally abusing that boundary. For that I did apologize and I feel really bad about it but all I can do is look ahead and not allow a repeat offense in the future.
So, this morning as I was reading another blog post on this man's site, I perused older posts and found one that was called You Just Broke Your Child. Congratulations.
It really had nothing to do with this post necessarily, but that one blurb really was exactly what I needed to read.
It spoke to my heart. A little off the subjst for a moment, I think everyone should read this post, whether you have kids or not...If you are even considering having a child, please take a few minutes and read this post.
It brought me back to my childhood.
But it helped me realize that I was in fact acting out of anger.
There are situations in my life and people that determine those situations and their outcomes that I have absolutely no say or control over; I just have to abide by the decisions and live them out. Lately it has been a lot for me to deal with (and in all honesty it made me mad). That is just about the time the spiral started.
Then other situations or circumstances in my life felt out of control and then my haircut happened which as silly as it may sound only compounded the other feelings of anger I had been repressing and it was also a pretty traumatic experience for me.
I was angry!
I was angry that I could not control these circumstances and situations and I really was unable to control myself on certain levels. I allowed myself to swirl down the spiral of despair and had blinders on to all the good around me; all I chose to focus on was the negative, the bad, whatever was against what I wanted.
I had to remind myself yesterday that the world did not revolve around me and my wants and needs.
But today, I decided that it was time for a new attitude. It was time for a change.
I don't want to live an angry life as an angry person.
I have so much to be thankful for and to be happy about.
Sometimes I allow myself to get wrapped up in material things and overlook the priceless things. Sometimes I get my priorities out of order. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed and a little out of control.
I am bound to make mistakes and get angry from time to time, but I really hope that this new perspective helps me handle things a lot differently the next time I am faced with something that is out of my control.
It is much like the Serenity Prayer...
" God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot
change; courage to change the things I can; and the
wisdom to know the difference."
I, in my crazy wisdom, decided that some good old fashioned self destruction was in order.
My diet.....pfft!
Exercise? It is a faint memory in the recesses of my mind.
I have been a complete mess, a train wreck...but this train is finally pulling back into the station.
This all started when I wrapped up my W30 and decided to start (responsibly) adding things back into my diet.
Then I went berserk.
THEN, last Saturday I went and got a haircut. Up until that afternoon, I had been so looking forward to getting a great cut by my dramatic stylist at the Holistic Salon. The spa was busy, he was in a hurry, I showed him a picture and told him to give me the same thing as last time except with shorter bangs.
When I was done, I wanted to cry. It looked AWFUL. It was weird and stringy and mullet-like, a hair helmet (hairmet was the term Husband came up with) and NOTHING at all like what I wanted, had ever had before, or even close to what I asked for.
I high tailed it out of there before I broke into tears and took myself to a small restaurant where I gorged myself on an entree, bread, dessert, and cafe con leche. I then proceeded to walk (this is where some of my exercise comes in) to Dunkin Donuts where I then purchased a muffin, 2 donuts, and another cafe con leche. And then I ate it. All. of. it.
I did it knowing full well that what I was doing was unhealthy and I didn't care. I was punishing myself. For what? I don't know. It wasn't like I cut my own hair (although it looked as though I did, blindfolded and with a machete) but I felt so angry and ugly that I wanted to further punctuate that feeling by abusing food and being cruel to myself, because after all, I deserved it.
So dumb.
And the worst thing is...I knew it was dumb and irrational the entire time I was doing it!
Crazy. I know.
Today I finally had it. I put my foot down and said, "Kara, enough is enough! You do not deserve this type of treatment! You deserve love and respect! You deserve to feel healthy and good! God gave you ONE body...why the abuse? Do you not appreciate what you have?"
I also came across something today on a blog I was reading today that hit me like a ton of bricks.
See, lately I have been dealing with some stuff (as I am sure we all have) and seem to have lost perspective. I have been desperately searching for it and while doing so have come slightly unraveled, overwhelmed, and feel like I am spinning out of control (hence the over eating). Much of it stems from being angry.
Now, I know what the bible says about anger and that love is slow to anger and that an angry person is a foolish one but reading this excerpt made me realize that the motivation behind my recent actions were so anger based.
This is what got me:
"Should anybody buy into this silly notion that anger is sometimes or often necessary?
Do you not understand that anger is almost always an emotion for people who wish to
control others while simultaneously failing to control themselves?......"
Let me break this down as to why it hit me the way it did (Man, God does truly work in mysterious ways and it is amazing to me how He uses different methods of getting the point across!)
I have been searching lately....searching for an answer to my woes not even fully comprehending what my woes are. I was searching in the dark basically.
I have had an incredulous attitude, have been completely unmotivated to see the positive side of anything, and I have been sure to voice my complaints loud and proud, to anyone that would listen, whether they wanted to or not. I can almost guarantee it was the latter.
Thankfully, I have a wonderful Husband who I can confide in and he always gives me loving (and very logical and honest) advice; he has played a huge role in gaining perspective.
Luckily, I also have good friends around me that don't get too hung up on my moodiness and know me for me and love me regardless. I will say, however, that I was unfairly taking advantage of that leeway and was totally abusing that boundary. For that I did apologize and I feel really bad about it but all I can do is look ahead and not allow a repeat offense in the future.
So, this morning as I was reading another blog post on this man's site, I perused older posts and found one that was called You Just Broke Your Child. Congratulations.
It really had nothing to do with this post necessarily, but that one blurb really was exactly what I needed to read.
It spoke to my heart. A little off the subjst for a moment, I think everyone should read this post, whether you have kids or not...If you are even considering having a child, please take a few minutes and read this post.
It brought me back to my childhood.
But it helped me realize that I was in fact acting out of anger.
There are situations in my life and people that determine those situations and their outcomes that I have absolutely no say or control over; I just have to abide by the decisions and live them out. Lately it has been a lot for me to deal with (and in all honesty it made me mad). That is just about the time the spiral started.
Then other situations or circumstances in my life felt out of control and then my haircut happened which as silly as it may sound only compounded the other feelings of anger I had been repressing and it was also a pretty traumatic experience for me.
I was angry!
I was angry that I could not control these circumstances and situations and I really was unable to control myself on certain levels. I allowed myself to swirl down the spiral of despair and had blinders on to all the good around me; all I chose to focus on was the negative, the bad, whatever was against what I wanted.
I had to remind myself yesterday that the world did not revolve around me and my wants and needs.
But today, I decided that it was time for a new attitude. It was time for a change.
I don't want to live an angry life as an angry person.
I have so much to be thankful for and to be happy about.
Sometimes I allow myself to get wrapped up in material things and overlook the priceless things. Sometimes I get my priorities out of order. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed and a little out of control.
I am bound to make mistakes and get angry from time to time, but I really hope that this new perspective helps me handle things a lot differently the next time I am faced with something that is out of my control.
It is much like the Serenity Prayer...
" God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot
change; courage to change the things I can; and the
wisdom to know the difference."
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Food for thought....
How is it that seemingly incompetent people are in charge of making decisions for peoples' lives? Even more confusing to me is the fact that these people have no real regard for the other people.
It makes me sad and leaves me underwhelmed at the lack of commitment to integrity, respect, and loyalty.
It angers me that there is no trust when there should be and no honor in doing a job the right way in order to protect the innocent and take care of others.
When did people stop caring? When did personal, self serving judgment calls override what is right for the task at hand and for the people productively and effectively completing said task?
How is it that the people "in charge" posses poor communication skills, lack empathy, and do not know how to listen? How are you supposed to take care of people when you are busy pointing fingers?
When did things stop being seen for what they are? Since when is it someone else's responsibility to pick up the pieces from another person's foul? Since when does it make sense to expect a person to do something you would not do yourself?
Since when is it ok to place blame on someone unfairly? Where is the justice in that? Where is the honor in that? Where is the integrity in that? There isn't any.
I really wish people would be less knee-jerk reactive to situations and actually pay attention to what is happening before they go off and say hurtful things, make accusations, and determine the situation through fogged lenses and broken information.
If you are a leader then lead. Lead by example. Lead by an example that you want others to follow.
Lead in a way that exudes integrity, respect, honor, and loyalty. Serve selflessly for the people you are in charge of. Even God was the servant of the people, though he lead and taught them.
Any successful leader has been a servant of those they ruled over because the people and their well-being was top priority.
Leaders (by position, not definition) who led through self serving motivation were not leaders; they were selfish and self centered. People who lead in this fashion now are no different. They are failures as leaders.
Being a leader is something to be proud of, something to take seriously, something to use as a platform to take care of others and act in their best interest. It is not intended to be used as a vehicle for manipulation, threats, degradation, humiliation, or fear tactics.
It is a shame, really, to have such poor leadership in this world. But, it is not impossible to make a difference.
One person at a time can make a difference.
If you are a leader or strive to be, take into consideration the responsibilities that position requires. Do the right thing. Be a leader of people not a leader of illogical and irrational self service.
There is already enough of that.
It makes me sad and leaves me underwhelmed at the lack of commitment to integrity, respect, and loyalty.
It angers me that there is no trust when there should be and no honor in doing a job the right way in order to protect the innocent and take care of others.
When did people stop caring? When did personal, self serving judgment calls override what is right for the task at hand and for the people productively and effectively completing said task?
How is it that the people "in charge" posses poor communication skills, lack empathy, and do not know how to listen? How are you supposed to take care of people when you are busy pointing fingers?
When did things stop being seen for what they are? Since when is it someone else's responsibility to pick up the pieces from another person's foul? Since when does it make sense to expect a person to do something you would not do yourself?
Since when is it ok to place blame on someone unfairly? Where is the justice in that? Where is the honor in that? Where is the integrity in that? There isn't any.
I really wish people would be less knee-jerk reactive to situations and actually pay attention to what is happening before they go off and say hurtful things, make accusations, and determine the situation through fogged lenses and broken information.
If you are a leader then lead. Lead by example. Lead by an example that you want others to follow.
Lead in a way that exudes integrity, respect, honor, and loyalty. Serve selflessly for the people you are in charge of. Even God was the servant of the people, though he lead and taught them.
Any successful leader has been a servant of those they ruled over because the people and their well-being was top priority.
Leaders (by position, not definition) who led through self serving motivation were not leaders; they were selfish and self centered. People who lead in this fashion now are no different. They are failures as leaders.
Being a leader is something to be proud of, something to take seriously, something to use as a platform to take care of others and act in their best interest. It is not intended to be used as a vehicle for manipulation, threats, degradation, humiliation, or fear tactics.
It is a shame, really, to have such poor leadership in this world. But, it is not impossible to make a difference.
One person at a time can make a difference.
If you are a leader or strive to be, take into consideration the responsibilities that position requires. Do the right thing. Be a leader of people not a leader of illogical and irrational self service.
There is already enough of that.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Urgency
I woke up this morning at 245 with an overwhelming urgency to contact my Husband.
It wasn't a gut feeling per se, but it was definitely strong.
I didn't want to regret not doing so later, and since I was wide awake, I got up to check if I could get a hold of him online.
No such luck; but I did have a very short, very charming email from him awaiting me in my inbox.
Have you ever just felt so lucky in your life that you don't know how to express your gratitude appropriately?
Lately, it is so apparent to me that my situation warrants some type of "giving back" for all that I am blessed with.
I mean, sure I pray and thank the Lord everyday for the wealth he has bestowed on my life (not monetary necessarily, but a definite abundance in wonderful people, situations, and experiences).
But is that really enough?
I am not sure how and I am not sure exactly when, but I want to do something with my life to show my appreciation for the incredible life I have been given. I want to give back the way I have been given to, share the way that I have been shared with, and love the way I have been given love.
Maybe I should pray for guidance on that in addition to being thankful.......
It wasn't a gut feeling per se, but it was definitely strong.
I didn't want to regret not doing so later, and since I was wide awake, I got up to check if I could get a hold of him online.
No such luck; but I did have a very short, very charming email from him awaiting me in my inbox.
Have you ever just felt so lucky in your life that you don't know how to express your gratitude appropriately?
Lately, it is so apparent to me that my situation warrants some type of "giving back" for all that I am blessed with.
I mean, sure I pray and thank the Lord everyday for the wealth he has bestowed on my life (not monetary necessarily, but a definite abundance in wonderful people, situations, and experiences).
But is that really enough?
I am not sure how and I am not sure exactly when, but I want to do something with my life to show my appreciation for the incredible life I have been given. I want to give back the way I have been given to, share the way that I have been shared with, and love the way I have been given love.
Maybe I should pray for guidance on that in addition to being thankful.......
Sunday, September 26, 2010
As you will notice...
I have added some tabs to the blog and am working on adding a couple more.
Please check out the links page, as it is loaded with a plethora of great information and cool stuff!!
If you have anything else you would like me to add, leave me a comment!
Please check out the links page, as it is loaded with a plethora of great information and cool stuff!!
If you have anything else you would like me to add, leave me a comment!
Decompressing
So it has been a few days since I posted last. Not much has gone on, to be honest.
Work this past week was stressful. I was hitting a serious wall in terms of creativity, patience, and motivation. I was also possibly suffering from a mild case of burn-out. I hope it is better this week.
Training is going well.
This week I only did CF 4 days, but we are upping the ante in the gym so the WODs were more difficult that normal. I am striving for a solid 5 days a week in the gym. This week I will try to build up to that.
I still have not started CF Endurance, but I think I am going to slowly start incorporating that this week as well.
The effects of the other night's post WOD hamstring work out consisting of 8 rounds, :20 work/ :10 rest are still lingering today and I am still really sore. I need to stretch.
I am feeling lazy.
I hate that feeling.
I did watch 2 movies this week. I went to see SALT the other night and Going the Distance last night. I was disappointed by both of them.
Salt was just ridiculous, with its predictable story line with little depth and unrealistic aspects of human ability; there was a lot of fighting, car chases, and explosions though. It is definitely a movie you want to watch when you don't really need to pay attention and you just want to see a lot of things blowing up and bloody A kicking. 2.5/5 stars
Going the Distance was ok. I will give it 3/5 stars.
While it wasn't horrible, it wasn't as great as the previews made it out to be. Some of the acting was bad, the way it was shot was choppy, and it was a little over the top vulgar for no reason. Sure, there were some funny parts; Christina Applegate and Jim Gaffigan were hilarious, and Charlie Day (as always) was a complete train wreck and I love it. But really, Drew and Justin really didn't seem to steal the show.
IMO, Charlie Day did.
But really, that is about it. As you can see, there was no real reason to post.
It would have been something like this:
I woke up.
Yay.
Pretty exciting, I know. Please, contain yourselves.
Well, the nutrition is on track and I have recently reintroduced a few items to see if I had any adverse reactions and so far so good.
I am doing well with no nightshades, however I did eat a little tomato in some guacamole without even thinking about it until I was already done and at lunch the other day, but I highly doubt it was enough of a "dose" to throw my body into a hysterical bout of inflammation. All in all it was probably the equivalent of maybe 2 slices of tomato. Maybe.
I have been successful with falling in line with a skin care regimen, although the products I really want to use have not arrived yet. I am proud of myself for sticking to something like that. Normally I do it for a week or so and stop. But this year, I have been better about that type of stuff.
I now floss 3 days a week.
It was a New Year's Resolution of mine to start flossing and I have stuck with it!
Anyway, this is beginning to be a ramble-fest. I hope everyone had a safe and fun weekend.
Work this past week was stressful. I was hitting a serious wall in terms of creativity, patience, and motivation. I was also possibly suffering from a mild case of burn-out. I hope it is better this week.
Training is going well.
This week I only did CF 4 days, but we are upping the ante in the gym so the WODs were more difficult that normal. I am striving for a solid 5 days a week in the gym. This week I will try to build up to that.
I still have not started CF Endurance, but I think I am going to slowly start incorporating that this week as well.
The effects of the other night's post WOD hamstring work out consisting of 8 rounds, :20 work/ :10 rest are still lingering today and I am still really sore. I need to stretch.
I am feeling lazy.
I hate that feeling.
I did watch 2 movies this week. I went to see SALT the other night and Going the Distance last night. I was disappointed by both of them.
Salt was just ridiculous, with its predictable story line with little depth and unrealistic aspects of human ability; there was a lot of fighting, car chases, and explosions though. It is definitely a movie you want to watch when you don't really need to pay attention and you just want to see a lot of things blowing up and bloody A kicking. 2.5/5 stars
Going the Distance was ok. I will give it 3/5 stars.
While it wasn't horrible, it wasn't as great as the previews made it out to be. Some of the acting was bad, the way it was shot was choppy, and it was a little over the top vulgar for no reason. Sure, there were some funny parts; Christina Applegate and Jim Gaffigan were hilarious, and Charlie Day (as always) was a complete train wreck and I love it. But really, Drew and Justin really didn't seem to steal the show.
IMO, Charlie Day did.
But really, that is about it. As you can see, there was no real reason to post.
It would have been something like this:
I woke up.
Yay.
Pretty exciting, I know. Please, contain yourselves.
Well, the nutrition is on track and I have recently reintroduced a few items to see if I had any adverse reactions and so far so good.
I am doing well with no nightshades, however I did eat a little tomato in some guacamole without even thinking about it until I was already done and at lunch the other day, but I highly doubt it was enough of a "dose" to throw my body into a hysterical bout of inflammation. All in all it was probably the equivalent of maybe 2 slices of tomato. Maybe.
I have been successful with falling in line with a skin care regimen, although the products I really want to use have not arrived yet. I am proud of myself for sticking to something like that. Normally I do it for a week or so and stop. But this year, I have been better about that type of stuff.
I now floss 3 days a week.
It was a New Year's Resolution of mine to start flossing and I have stuck with it!
Anyway, this is beginning to be a ramble-fest. I hope everyone had a safe and fun weekend.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Bye Bye Nightshades....
I suffer from bilateral carpal tunnel.
It sucks.
I have a really difficult time gripping, holding, grasping, sometimes lifting, sometimes pushing; I have weakness, numbness, and pain.
It makes WODs more difficult, push ups awful, pull ups almost impossible, jungle rows and kettlebell swings a little dangerous, cleans a little wobbly at times, and anything with me putting a lot of my body weight onto my hands hurty.
For the past 5 or 6 weeks, my hands have been numb. My arms and hands get really weak.
Yesterday I completed my Whole30. which consisted of a Paleo inspired diet of meat, chicken, fish, vegetables, fats, nuts and seeds, and some fruit.
While doing the W30, I was consuming a great amount of inflammatory nightshade vegetables/spices.
I have been researching nightshades, B6, inflammation, alkalization, and carpal tunnel and planned to eliminate nightshades and anti-inflammatory spices from my diet to see if that would help my worsening carpal tunnel symptoms.
Through this research I learned that a body with high levels of acidity could worsen carpal tunnel and too much B6 could also exacerbate symptoms.
I am trying to get more information on B6. The levels I have found so far is 1.3mg a day for women, but I have also found 100-200mg per day should be taken to help reduce inflammation properties. I am so confused.
Nightshades are also a little dagger in my heart...here is the list of the foods I will eliminate from my diet for the next 6-8 weeks to see if I can see a difference in my carpal tunnel:
Potatoes:
No worries here..I don't normally eat potatoes and sweet potatoes are not nightshades, as they are a different species, therefore NOM NOM NOM!
Peppers:
This means all peppers. Literally. All. Peppers. This means green, red, yellow, chili, paprika, cayenne, black, habenro, jalapeno....this breaks my heart. I eat this stuff all the time. But that could be why I am getting worse.
Eggplant:
Oh, my elegant purple friend....you will be missed. I love you. Please don't think otherwise. I am sad.
Blueberries:
Say it aint so! I cry. I am sorry but raspberries and blackberries just can't compete with the blueberry wonderment of wonder. Sigh.....
Okra:
I die. Okra is a food I have eaten all my life. I. LOVE. OKRA. I have been eating loads of okra over the past month. I make it in a variety of ways and with many other foods on this list, namely....
Tomatoes:
Wow. This is going to be a toughie. Tomatoes are good with everything. Ev-er-y-thing-a.
Artichokes:
For me, artichokes are the easiest one to give up. While I love to eat the soft heart (especially marinated in high quality olive oil) I don't eat it often.
I mentioned before that I want to re-evaluate my diet for my personal needs, not to follow any type of diet per sé, but for the needs of my body and its requirements.
I honestly hate the fact that I am afraid to hold babies because I don't want to drop them like I drop a lot of other things I attempt to pick up. I hate that I have no grip strength and that my hand always hurt and that they are numb and that I get shooting pain up my arms into my elbows and feel like nerves are pinching in my shoulders. It is a constant thing and I am really tired of it.
It is a pain that I can't button buttons efficiently or need help clasping my bra or unlocking doors because I can't turn the key...I am only 30, not 97!
A few months ago I was being tested for lupus and other auto-immune diseases.
Thank GOD the tests all came back negative.
Autoimmune disorders are extremely prevalent in my family on both my mother and father's side and I am at a high risk of developing one myself if I am not careful.
Most of my nutritional experimentation is for preventative purposes as well as finding a balance that works well for ME.
My doctor was in favor of a gluten free diet, as gluten is linked to central nervous system and autoimmune deficiencies. I am ok with that.
I honestly don't miss breads and pastas and pastries or cakes and cookies. I was never a big proponent of those types of foods anyways (well, with pasta and bread I was) except for short spans of time. I would always return to clean eating.
I do think, however, that I may be a little acidic. My body is sensitive to this type of thing whereas other people may not be. I know I have an issue with inflammation and am at risk for developing an autoimmune disorder and I know that a diet without gluten is most likely ideal for me.
BUT....
I think I may have been overloading on animal protein. I eat a ton of eggs, beef, chicken, and some fish. I think I might also be getting a little too much B6.
Through the research (not just now, but even from a year ago...making the connection and making sense of how it all is fitting together) I found that a highly acidic body makes issues like mine worse.
For my personal needs, my diet is off kilter.
So, I am going to eliminate the nightshades and I am going dial back my animal protein intake and intake of some other acidic foods I have been eating in large quantities for the past month or so. I am going to see if this makes any difference.
I pray it does.
I will be posting here, like always, about what is happening and how things are going.
I am going to up the ante on my vegetable intake, dial back on my black tea (green on the other had has great anti-inflammatory agents!), and see how things go...see if I have more energy and stamina.
I want to see most of all, if this carpal tunnel irritation subsides.
I don't just want to eat foods because they are deemed clean, I want to eat the RIGHT clean foods for ME and MY body. No two people are exactly alike, and not everyone has the same dietary needs or sensitivities. So that is part of this challenge. I just want to put clean things IN my body so I am clean and healthy INSIDE my body.
Now that I am used to eating the W30 way, it will be easy to manipulate to see what is helping and what is harming. It is all about the journey!
It sucks.
I have a really difficult time gripping, holding, grasping, sometimes lifting, sometimes pushing; I have weakness, numbness, and pain.
It makes WODs more difficult, push ups awful, pull ups almost impossible, jungle rows and kettlebell swings a little dangerous, cleans a little wobbly at times, and anything with me putting a lot of my body weight onto my hands hurty.
For the past 5 or 6 weeks, my hands have been numb. My arms and hands get really weak.
Yesterday I completed my Whole30. which consisted of a Paleo inspired diet of meat, chicken, fish, vegetables, fats, nuts and seeds, and some fruit.
While doing the W30, I was consuming a great amount of inflammatory nightshade vegetables/spices.
I have been researching nightshades, B6, inflammation, alkalization, and carpal tunnel and planned to eliminate nightshades and anti-inflammatory spices from my diet to see if that would help my worsening carpal tunnel symptoms.
Through this research I learned that a body with high levels of acidity could worsen carpal tunnel and too much B6 could also exacerbate symptoms.
I am trying to get more information on B6. The levels I have found so far is 1.3mg a day for women, but I have also found 100-200mg per day should be taken to help reduce inflammation properties. I am so confused.
Nightshades are also a little dagger in my heart...here is the list of the foods I will eliminate from my diet for the next 6-8 weeks to see if I can see a difference in my carpal tunnel:
Potatoes:
No worries here..I don't normally eat potatoes and sweet potatoes are not nightshades, as they are a different species, therefore NOM NOM NOM!
Peppers:
This means all peppers. Literally. All. Peppers. This means green, red, yellow, chili, paprika, cayenne, black, habenro, jalapeno....this breaks my heart. I eat this stuff all the time. But that could be why I am getting worse.
Eggplant:
Oh, my elegant purple friend....you will be missed. I love you. Please don't think otherwise. I am sad.
Blueberries:
Say it aint so! I cry. I am sorry but raspberries and blackberries just can't compete with the blueberry wonderment of wonder. Sigh.....
Okra:
I die. Okra is a food I have eaten all my life. I. LOVE. OKRA. I have been eating loads of okra over the past month. I make it in a variety of ways and with many other foods on this list, namely....
Tomatoes:
Wow. This is going to be a toughie. Tomatoes are good with everything. Ev-er-y-thing-a.
Artichokes:
For me, artichokes are the easiest one to give up. While I love to eat the soft heart (especially marinated in high quality olive oil) I don't eat it often.
I mentioned before that I want to re-evaluate my diet for my personal needs, not to follow any type of diet per sé, but for the needs of my body and its requirements.
I honestly hate the fact that I am afraid to hold babies because I don't want to drop them like I drop a lot of other things I attempt to pick up. I hate that I have no grip strength and that my hand always hurt and that they are numb and that I get shooting pain up my arms into my elbows and feel like nerves are pinching in my shoulders. It is a constant thing and I am really tired of it.
It is a pain that I can't button buttons efficiently or need help clasping my bra or unlocking doors because I can't turn the key...I am only 30, not 97!
A few months ago I was being tested for lupus and other auto-immune diseases.
Thank GOD the tests all came back negative.
Autoimmune disorders are extremely prevalent in my family on both my mother and father's side and I am at a high risk of developing one myself if I am not careful.
Most of my nutritional experimentation is for preventative purposes as well as finding a balance that works well for ME.
My doctor was in favor of a gluten free diet, as gluten is linked to central nervous system and autoimmune deficiencies. I am ok with that.
I honestly don't miss breads and pastas and pastries or cakes and cookies. I was never a big proponent of those types of foods anyways (well, with pasta and bread I was) except for short spans of time. I would always return to clean eating.
I do think, however, that I may be a little acidic. My body is sensitive to this type of thing whereas other people may not be. I know I have an issue with inflammation and am at risk for developing an autoimmune disorder and I know that a diet without gluten is most likely ideal for me.
BUT....
I think I may have been overloading on animal protein. I eat a ton of eggs, beef, chicken, and some fish. I think I might also be getting a little too much B6.
Through the research (not just now, but even from a year ago...making the connection and making sense of how it all is fitting together) I found that a highly acidic body makes issues like mine worse.
For my personal needs, my diet is off kilter.
So, I am going to eliminate the nightshades and I am going dial back my animal protein intake and intake of some other acidic foods I have been eating in large quantities for the past month or so. I am going to see if this makes any difference.
I pray it does.
I will be posting here, like always, about what is happening and how things are going.
I am going to up the ante on my vegetable intake, dial back on my black tea (green on the other had has great anti-inflammatory agents!), and see how things go...see if I have more energy and stamina.
I want to see most of all, if this carpal tunnel irritation subsides.
I don't just want to eat foods because they are deemed clean, I want to eat the RIGHT clean foods for ME and MY body. No two people are exactly alike, and not everyone has the same dietary needs or sensitivities. So that is part of this challenge. I just want to put clean things IN my body so I am clean and healthy INSIDE my body.
Now that I am used to eating the W30 way, it will be easy to manipulate to see what is helping and what is harming. It is all about the journey!
DEBT FREE!
So, I just checked the bank account and....(drumroll).........
MY CAR IS PAID OFF! YES!
I am (read we are) officially out of debt! I have no bills besides my little monthly commitments, which are very few.
I owe nothing to no one and it feels FANTASTIC!
My heart feels like it is filled with many small children singing rays of sunshine!
It took some planning, some budgeting, and some careful spending on mine and Husband's part but it was totally worth it.
Now, LET THE SAVINGS BEGIN!
I am also pleased to say that after all the debt was paid, we are left with about $1600 to start our savings account back up. Pretty sweet!
MY CAR IS PAID OFF! YES!
I am (read we are) officially out of debt! I have no bills besides my little monthly commitments, which are very few.
I owe nothing to no one and it feels FANTASTIC!
My heart feels like it is filled with many small children singing rays of sunshine!
It took some planning, some budgeting, and some careful spending on mine and Husband's part but it was totally worth it.
Now, LET THE SAVINGS BEGIN!
I am also pleased to say that after all the debt was paid, we are left with about $1600 to start our savings account back up. Pretty sweet!
Friday, September 17, 2010
Wrapping Up my Whole30
Day 30 is winding down and coming to a close.
I am so glad I did it and proud of myself for seeing it through.....finally!
I feel so good that my food-itude has changed. I am no longer a prisoner, shackled and bound by the emotional eating that has claimed so much of my life. SCORE!
I honestly do not crave anything, I don't want to go out and gorge myself or sneak a "naughty" treat.
I am happy to say, I am chill. I am good. I am free! And best of all, I am gray!
I feel confident and relaxed at the same time. I feel like equilibrium has been restored and I can just "be". It is pretty cool, actually.
It has been a pretty great day. Not only is it FRIDAY, but I worked from home today and got to stay in my boxer sleep shorts and tank top all day long; I was able to listen to Alice Chill all day and I made decent headway in my workload and was happy with what I came up with production-wise.
I ate well all day and had an enormous salad. I forgot how good salads are. It seems like it has been forever since I had a homemade salad. I am definitely going to start re-incorporating my old pal back into my daily eats.
It was made with baby spring mix, cucumber, tomato, white onion, green olives, and salmon.
Yum!
I usually forgo the salad dressing, and I did so today as well. It has enough flavor on its own. Normally, if I do top it off with something it is EVOO, sliced avocado, or a little blend of EVOO and balsamic vinegar.
I did not get dressed until I ran to the Organic market next to the apartment to grab some tahini, Bob's Red Mill Steel Cut Oats (just in case I get a hankering for them at some point), and Muir Glen Fire Roasted Crushed Tomatoes for the dinner I made tonight, and some of Bob's Red Mill Coconut Flakes.
FINALLY...coconut flakes that are just coconut and not a lot of added preservatives and other nonsense.
Then I came home to put my stuff away and threw on my CrossFit clothes.
Tonights WOD:
50 Jump Squats
20 Pull Ups
50 Box Jumps
30 Sit Ups
30 Lunges
50 KettleBell Swings (25#)
20 Bastard Burpees
1 minute of Battling Ropes
I attempted to time myself, but the stopwatch stopped at :12.
I wish.
I am figuring it took me somewhere between 18-20 minutes due to the time I arrived and left.
I felt a little stronger, faster, and more energetic today.
I think it was the salad.
I know that sounds silly, but I think it was. My diet today wasn't so meat and protein heavy but was more veggie dense than it has been in the past couple weeks. I think I was focusing too much on protein and not enough on more veggies.
Lesson learned.
Well, I am pretty gross right now as I cam home and had my post WOD sweet potato whilst cooking dinner and I have yet to wash the stink and dirt (thank you burpees!) from my bod.
That being said, I am posting my Food Journal and then signing off!
M1: Banana, Strawberry, and Coconut Milk Smoothie; 2 hard boiled eggs; 1 TSP Lemon Fish Oil
M2: Large Salad with Baby Spring Mix, onion, tomato, cucumber, green olives, and salmon I made yesterday. (It made 2 large servings, so I ate one and put the other away for later).
M3: Apple, leftover salad, 1 TBS Tahini
M4: Sweet Potato
M5: Garden Vegetable Tomato Sauce with Meatballs; 3 TBS Coconut Flakes
Hope everyone has a fun and safe Friday night! Starting CF Endurance tomorrow! Should be fun.
I am so glad I did it and proud of myself for seeing it through.....finally!
I feel so good that my food-itude has changed. I am no longer a prisoner, shackled and bound by the emotional eating that has claimed so much of my life. SCORE!
I honestly do not crave anything, I don't want to go out and gorge myself or sneak a "naughty" treat.
I am happy to say, I am chill. I am good. I am free! And best of all, I am gray!
I feel confident and relaxed at the same time. I feel like equilibrium has been restored and I can just "be". It is pretty cool, actually.
It has been a pretty great day. Not only is it FRIDAY, but I worked from home today and got to stay in my boxer sleep shorts and tank top all day long; I was able to listen to Alice Chill all day and I made decent headway in my workload and was happy with what I came up with production-wise.
I ate well all day and had an enormous salad. I forgot how good salads are. It seems like it has been forever since I had a homemade salad. I am definitely going to start re-incorporating my old pal back into my daily eats.
It was made with baby spring mix, cucumber, tomato, white onion, green olives, and salmon.
Yum!
I usually forgo the salad dressing, and I did so today as well. It has enough flavor on its own. Normally, if I do top it off with something it is EVOO, sliced avocado, or a little blend of EVOO and balsamic vinegar.
I did not get dressed until I ran to the Organic market next to the apartment to grab some tahini, Bob's Red Mill Steel Cut Oats (just in case I get a hankering for them at some point), and Muir Glen Fire Roasted Crushed Tomatoes for the dinner I made tonight, and some of Bob's Red Mill Coconut Flakes.
FINALLY...coconut flakes that are just coconut and not a lot of added preservatives and other nonsense.
Then I came home to put my stuff away and threw on my CrossFit clothes.
Tonights WOD:
50 Jump Squats
20 Pull Ups
50 Box Jumps
30 Sit Ups
30 Lunges
50 KettleBell Swings (25#)
20 Bastard Burpees
1 minute of Battling Ropes
I attempted to time myself, but the stopwatch stopped at :12.
I wish.
I am figuring it took me somewhere between 18-20 minutes due to the time I arrived and left.
I felt a little stronger, faster, and more energetic today.
I think it was the salad.
I know that sounds silly, but I think it was. My diet today wasn't so meat and protein heavy but was more veggie dense than it has been in the past couple weeks. I think I was focusing too much on protein and not enough on more veggies.
Lesson learned.
Well, I am pretty gross right now as I cam home and had my post WOD sweet potato whilst cooking dinner and I have yet to wash the stink and dirt (thank you burpees!) from my bod.
That being said, I am posting my Food Journal and then signing off!
M1: Banana, Strawberry, and Coconut Milk Smoothie; 2 hard boiled eggs; 1 TSP Lemon Fish Oil
M2: Large Salad with Baby Spring Mix, onion, tomato, cucumber, green olives, and salmon I made yesterday. (It made 2 large servings, so I ate one and put the other away for later).
M3: Apple, leftover salad, 1 TBS Tahini
M4: Sweet Potato
M5: Garden Vegetable Tomato Sauce with Meatballs; 3 TBS Coconut Flakes
Hope everyone has a fun and safe Friday night! Starting CF Endurance tomorrow! Should be fun.
Grenades of Love
Sometimes, my heart is filled with so much love and happiness it feels like it could explode with glittery confetti and rainbows with unicorns dancing down them.
Sometimes all it takes to feel this way is an unexpected funny email, or phone call from someone I love and am thinking about or a breathtaking sunset or sunrise or just being in the sun near the water.
When it happens, it takes me in full and I totally allow myself to ride the wave. It really is the best feeling to love and be loved, to give of oneself freely and to be accepted with open arms.
I am so truly blessed in my life. I have everything I want, even if it is not always physically tangible. It is tangible where it counts, in my heart and mind.
I am so grateful to God for what he has given me. Everyday it gets better and better. Thank you Lord.
Sometimes all it takes to feel this way is an unexpected funny email, or phone call from someone I love and am thinking about or a breathtaking sunset or sunrise or just being in the sun near the water.
When it happens, it takes me in full and I totally allow myself to ride the wave. It really is the best feeling to love and be loved, to give of oneself freely and to be accepted with open arms.
I am so truly blessed in my life. I have everything I want, even if it is not always physically tangible. It is tangible where it counts, in my heart and mind.
I am so grateful to God for what he has given me. Everyday it gets better and better. Thank you Lord.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Labels are for Merchandise, Not People
So tomorrow is my Day 30 of the Whole 30. I was going to go 90, but after last night's epiphany, I realized that I don't have to take this to the extreme. The challenge was for 30 days and I finally, admittedly on the third attempt, successfully completed it.
I am quite proud of myself.
Now, I know it ends tomorrow and some people might say, "Well aren't you speaking too soon? What if you go out tomorrow and eat an entire ice cream store or bakery?"
Does this include the employees? Because if so, I could reason that is is partially paleo.
Kidding.
But seriously, it would be. That is a pretty decent amount of protein.
In all honesty, I don't want to put a label on myself as to what type of eater I am, be it Paleo or Zone or Sugar Britches...I. Just. Want. To. Eat. Clean. Food.
If I feel like I want to indulge, I am going to and I am going to do it without regret or guilt. I will be cognizant of my choices and savor them when I so choose. Because of this experience with the Whole30, I feel strong enough to do that now.
The Whole30 has helped me to change my attitude about food because during the Whole30 I realized how I approached it. I put myself at an unfair advantage and gave power to the food. How stupid is that?
I have taken the control back and now I am working on mixing in flexibility. I am striving for that balance.
Gray.
I really have no issues with the way I have been eating this past month. The only things I may decide to change are to eat less red meat and more fish, up the veggie and salad load, and maybe add in some oatmeal.
I don't really miss grains necessarily, but I kind of feel in my heart of hearts that strict paleo is not the best choice for my performance. I have felt sluggish in my WODs and my times have been suffering. I haven't gained much strength or any endurance; I never got the "kick" I mentioned waiting for in an earlier post.
But the best thing about completing this program is the I CAN RECOGNIZE THAT.
I really did learn a lot about my attitude towards food in the past month. I thought I knew before, but now I have a deeper understanding of my perception and emotional attachment/attribution towards it. Once it clicked, I felt free.
It was pretty liberating.
Therefore, I don't want to pigeon hole myself into categorical eating. I don't want a label. I don't want to be on any plan or diet.
I am going to just eat clean, add things in slowly, one at at a time and seriously evaluate how my bod reacts.
If it is poop, then I won't eat it anymore. If it makes me feel good or doesn't adversely affect me in any noticeable way, then I see no reason that I shouldn't allow myself to eat it if I want to.
I like this new gray-titude. It is pretty sweet. But not made with sugar.
Foodie for today:
M1: Papaya ( I was in a hurry so I had some before the office and had the rest of my bfast there)
M2: Apple, Baked Chicken leftovers, Small can Black Olives
M3: Salmon, butternut squash, and a steamed combination of purple cabbage and zucchini
M4: Raw Almonds, Boiled Plantain
M5: Baked Chicken Breast (leftovers), Strawberry and coconut milk smoothie
M5: Sweet Potato, Apple, 3/4 Boiled Plantain with coconut milk and cinnamon
I had a lot of fruit today.
I did go to the gro sto and picked up a couple items: 2 containers of baby spring mix (perfect container size for a salad and it is portable, so double score), cucumber, celery, purple cabbage, and bananas.
Looking forward to finishing up my 30 days tomorrow. I can't wait to TESTIFY!
I am quite proud of myself.
Now, I know it ends tomorrow and some people might say, "Well aren't you speaking too soon? What if you go out tomorrow and eat an entire ice cream store or bakery?"
Does this include the employees? Because if so, I could reason that is is partially paleo.
Kidding.
But seriously, it would be. That is a pretty decent amount of protein.
In all honesty, I don't want to put a label on myself as to what type of eater I am, be it Paleo or Zone or Sugar Britches...I. Just. Want. To. Eat. Clean. Food.
If I feel like I want to indulge, I am going to and I am going to do it without regret or guilt. I will be cognizant of my choices and savor them when I so choose. Because of this experience with the Whole30, I feel strong enough to do that now.
The Whole30 has helped me to change my attitude about food because during the Whole30 I realized how I approached it. I put myself at an unfair advantage and gave power to the food. How stupid is that?
I have taken the control back and now I am working on mixing in flexibility. I am striving for that balance.
Gray.
I really have no issues with the way I have been eating this past month. The only things I may decide to change are to eat less red meat and more fish, up the veggie and salad load, and maybe add in some oatmeal.
I don't really miss grains necessarily, but I kind of feel in my heart of hearts that strict paleo is not the best choice for my performance. I have felt sluggish in my WODs and my times have been suffering. I haven't gained much strength or any endurance; I never got the "kick" I mentioned waiting for in an earlier post.
But the best thing about completing this program is the I CAN RECOGNIZE THAT.
I really did learn a lot about my attitude towards food in the past month. I thought I knew before, but now I have a deeper understanding of my perception and emotional attachment/attribution towards it. Once it clicked, I felt free.
It was pretty liberating.
Therefore, I don't want to pigeon hole myself into categorical eating. I don't want a label. I don't want to be on any plan or diet.
I am going to just eat clean, add things in slowly, one at at a time and seriously evaluate how my bod reacts.
If it is poop, then I won't eat it anymore. If it makes me feel good or doesn't adversely affect me in any noticeable way, then I see no reason that I shouldn't allow myself to eat it if I want to.
I like this new gray-titude. It is pretty sweet. But not made with sugar.
Foodie for today:
M1: Papaya ( I was in a hurry so I had some before the office and had the rest of my bfast there)
M2: Apple, Baked Chicken leftovers, Small can Black Olives
M3: Salmon, butternut squash, and a steamed combination of purple cabbage and zucchini
M4: Raw Almonds, Boiled Plantain
M5: Baked Chicken Breast (leftovers), Strawberry and coconut milk smoothie
M5: Sweet Potato, Apple, 3/4 Boiled Plantain with coconut milk and cinnamon
I had a lot of fruit today.
I did go to the gro sto and picked up a couple items: 2 containers of baby spring mix (perfect container size for a salad and it is portable, so double score), cucumber, celery, purple cabbage, and bananas.
Looking forward to finishing up my 30 days tomorrow. I can't wait to TESTIFY!
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Breakthrough of the Day! Stay Gray.
So, today was stressful. I worked all day and got nothing accomplished. It is so frustrating. BUT, tomorrow is a new day.
I was ok on energy today but still feeling pretty lethargic compared to normal.
I am on Day 28 of the Whole30. It has been an exciting month and I am excited to see it through to the end. I finally did it!
I was planning on going for 90 days. But tonight, while talking to my trainer, I had an epiphany. It hit me hard and made me actually say, "Huh! I just had an epiphany!"
I am what you would call an "all or nothing" person.
It is black or it is white. It is this or it is that. Period.
Especially when it comes to eating and working out.
For me, a restrictive plan has been better and veering off that plan would be considered a failure in my eyes. Sucking in a WOD equals failure. Then I get so wrapped up in this notion of "failure" that it stops me dead in my tracks. I am paralyzed by it.
All. Or nothing.
It even made sense tonight why I make these ambitious workout schedules and then as soon as I miss a day I quit altogether.
All or nothing.
Or why it is hard for me to control not eating that whole pint of ice cream or the whole pizza or the entire bag of apple rings or (as was discussed this evening) the whole container of dates; it also explains why I used to be able to easily throw back a whole bottle of wine or a bottle of tequila (I have not had any alcohol in a good while now, but I am speaking in terms of realizing the correlation with my epiphany and past behaviors and their patterns)....
All. Or. Nothing.
I have done every eating plan on the face of the planet pretty much. I have been vegetarian, vegan, Paleo, Zone, South Beach, etc........from one extreme to the other. My poor Husband, it drives him nuts but he loves me anyway, bless his heart and he allows me to explore what feels right and supports whatever decision I make.
I have been a gung-ho advocate for each of these types of plans while I am on them and looked at EVERYTHING ELSE AS WRONG.
I feel like a failure if I cannot follow these plans to the tee, 100%, all of the time. I tend to get down on myself about it, berate myself about it, get angry at myself about it; then it just breeds guilt and condemnation regarding food. What is GOOD and what is BAD. Like I am bad if I eat something bad....I don't know.
I mean, it is not like I have not said the same thing I was saying tonight 100 times before, but for some reason, standing in the gym, having this conversation, it became so crystal clear to me that this is very much a part of me and how I think and perceive things.
To be honest, I don't really like it.
I want to be somewhere in the gray.
I want to be flexible. I want to make good, solid choices for myself and definitely be cognizant of what I am putting into my body.
I LOVE EATING CLEAN. It makes me feel good.
But I also want to be able to enjoy things I enjoy and not feel guilty about it if I feel like it is appropriate.
If I have learned anything over the past 30 days it is that I have realized this all or nothing attitude about myself...and why I attribute this "all or nothing" mentality to my food and to my fitness and how I don't have to do that to myself. I do have a choice and I can maintain control an flexibility. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. It can be balanced.
I want to help others reach their goals...that is my goal in life, my passion.
I am glad I realized this about myself. Maybe just knowing will help me stay in the gray.
What is funny is I was like, "I am totally going to be gray!"...the all or nothing attitude was even applied to not having an all or nothing attitude.
I quickly caught myself and restated, "I mean, I am going to try to be gray!"
And that is what I am going to do. Try.
WOD:
I did not finish my WOD because I wanted to do CF barefoot and doing 5 rounds of 100 mountain climbers barefoot (among other things) will only give your bare skinned toes, 'cause I got 'em! So after my 2nd round I decided to practice my cleans instead.
I probably did 20 or so @ 65#. I am really hoping to get that weight up. I have been cleaning 65# for a while now.....
FOOD:
M1: Pear, Baked Chicken Leg, roasted onions and sweet potato cubes
M2: Carrots and 1/2 Avocado
M3: Baked Chicken Breast, Butternut Squash, 1/2 Avocado
M4: Baked Chicken Breast and Wing, Roasted Onions and Sweet Potato cubes, Butternut Squash, Shredded Red Cabbage and Broccoli Couscous
M5: Apple and boiled Plantain
I also had a few teas today and lots of water!
I was ok on energy today but still feeling pretty lethargic compared to normal.
I am on Day 28 of the Whole30. It has been an exciting month and I am excited to see it through to the end. I finally did it!
I was planning on going for 90 days. But tonight, while talking to my trainer, I had an epiphany. It hit me hard and made me actually say, "Huh! I just had an epiphany!"
I am what you would call an "all or nothing" person.
It is black or it is white. It is this or it is that. Period.
Especially when it comes to eating and working out.
For me, a restrictive plan has been better and veering off that plan would be considered a failure in my eyes. Sucking in a WOD equals failure. Then I get so wrapped up in this notion of "failure" that it stops me dead in my tracks. I am paralyzed by it.
All. Or nothing.
It even made sense tonight why I make these ambitious workout schedules and then as soon as I miss a day I quit altogether.
All or nothing.
Or why it is hard for me to control not eating that whole pint of ice cream or the whole pizza or the entire bag of apple rings or (as was discussed this evening) the whole container of dates; it also explains why I used to be able to easily throw back a whole bottle of wine or a bottle of tequila (I have not had any alcohol in a good while now, but I am speaking in terms of realizing the correlation with my epiphany and past behaviors and their patterns)....
All. Or. Nothing.
I have done every eating plan on the face of the planet pretty much. I have been vegetarian, vegan, Paleo, Zone, South Beach, etc........from one extreme to the other. My poor Husband, it drives him nuts but he loves me anyway, bless his heart and he allows me to explore what feels right and supports whatever decision I make.
I have been a gung-ho advocate for each of these types of plans while I am on them and looked at EVERYTHING ELSE AS WRONG.
I feel like a failure if I cannot follow these plans to the tee, 100%, all of the time. I tend to get down on myself about it, berate myself about it, get angry at myself about it; then it just breeds guilt and condemnation regarding food. What is GOOD and what is BAD. Like I am bad if I eat something bad....I don't know.
I mean, it is not like I have not said the same thing I was saying tonight 100 times before, but for some reason, standing in the gym, having this conversation, it became so crystal clear to me that this is very much a part of me and how I think and perceive things.
To be honest, I don't really like it.
I want to be somewhere in the gray.
I want to be flexible. I want to make good, solid choices for myself and definitely be cognizant of what I am putting into my body.
I LOVE EATING CLEAN. It makes me feel good.
But I also want to be able to enjoy things I enjoy and not feel guilty about it if I feel like it is appropriate.
If I have learned anything over the past 30 days it is that I have realized this all or nothing attitude about myself...and why I attribute this "all or nothing" mentality to my food and to my fitness and how I don't have to do that to myself. I do have a choice and I can maintain control an flexibility. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. It can be balanced.
I want to help others reach their goals...that is my goal in life, my passion.
I am glad I realized this about myself. Maybe just knowing will help me stay in the gray.
What is funny is I was like, "I am totally going to be gray!"...the all or nothing attitude was even applied to not having an all or nothing attitude.
I quickly caught myself and restated, "I mean, I am going to try to be gray!"
And that is what I am going to do. Try.
WOD:
I did not finish my WOD because I wanted to do CF barefoot and doing 5 rounds of 100 mountain climbers barefoot (among other things) will only give your bare skinned toes, 'cause I got 'em! So after my 2nd round I decided to practice my cleans instead.
I probably did 20 or so @ 65#. I am really hoping to get that weight up. I have been cleaning 65# for a while now.....
FOOD:
M1: Pear, Baked Chicken Leg, roasted onions and sweet potato cubes
M2: Carrots and 1/2 Avocado
M3: Baked Chicken Breast, Butternut Squash, 1/2 Avocado
M4: Baked Chicken Breast and Wing, Roasted Onions and Sweet Potato cubes, Butternut Squash, Shredded Red Cabbage and Broccoli Couscous
M5: Apple and boiled Plantain
I also had a few teas today and lots of water!
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Back from Crazytown
Well, here I am, finally posting again. I know I said I was going to be a "busy bunny" this past weekend, but in actuality, I did NOTHING. Nada. Nil.
I did do some household chores, went to the gro sto, did laundry, wrote my paper and finished my class discussion; I gave myself a facial and did my weekly beauty upkeep.
But as far as physical goes.....I was not.
Thursday was far too humid and I did not run. Friday, nothing. Saturday I was supposed to get up early for a long run by the water. Nope; I slept in til 10.
Sunday is a rest day anyway and I took that one too.
It was brought to my attention that my training schedule was too ambitious and I have decided to dial it back down to the basics. CrossFit 3-4 times a week (pretty much every other day) and running 3-5 miles a couple times a week. That should be good for now. I will see how it goes.
I went to CF yesterday and boy, was I sucking. It was pretty bad. I am over it now, but I was pretty bent out of shape about it.
My nutrition has still been good for the most part, although I think I am getting too much fat and fruit and not enough of a balance with protein and veggies. I will work on getting that straightened back out.
For the second part of my W90, I am going to eliminate nightshades for 30 days and see if that changes anything. I am also planning on cutting back dramatically on fruit. I think I may do one piece a day versus a few pieces a day. The same goes for nuts. I have been eating way too many nuts the past week or so.
I have cut out coffee almost completely and am drinking tea instead. I am actually enjoying a nice cup of green tea right now. I stocked up on several types, some decaf.. I really like STASH teas. Their black chai is so good!
I am still feeling really bloated today, which makes me sad. A week ago I did not feel like this. I think it is just the imbalance and I am sure that it will go away in a couple days.
This weekend, I did make a new recipe that I will post. It was a shrimp dish with coconut milk, pineapple, and raisins along with spices, onions, and green peppers all served over cauliflower couscous alongside a piece of boiled plantain. SO GOOD! And the best part? It was totally my creation!
My Bible reading is going well. I am so glad I am doing it.
I got the chance to talk to my Sister over the weekend and we discussed forgiveness and its true meaning.
We talked about how to truly forgive someone, you must atone them of their fault (whether you do this before or after they apologize...or if they never apologize) and then go on with that person as if it had not happened, just as Christ does for us when we sin and ask forgiveness. I found that to be interesting.
Now, this does not mean to go actively seek out the person and try to have a relationship with them if they have not apologized and put yourself in harms way, but if they approach you and apologize, whether you have forgiven them in your heart before that point or if you decide to forgive them then, then the right thing to do is just move forward and continue building (or re-building) that relationship.
I have a lot more to say, but I am going to have to put it in another post. I still plan on writing the articles I wanted to write this past weekend, but I just needed some "me" time, so I took it.
Food Journal:
M1:
3 Poached Eggs
Lots of spinach cooked with coconut oil
M2:
1 Small Hawaiian papaya cut up and mixed with cooked ground beef (this sounds gross but was actually really good)
M3:
Baby Carrots
Avocado
M4:
Cooked Hamburger Patty
Butternut Sqaush
M5:
Cooked Hamburger Patty
Cucumber and Black Olive Salad w/ EVOO and spices
M6:
Cooked Hamburger Patty
Shredded Red Cabbage and Broccoli Couscous cooked in Coconut Oil
I NEED SOME SALADS IN MY LIFE. That will be my mission for this upcoming week....salads, salads, salads.
I did do some household chores, went to the gro sto, did laundry, wrote my paper and finished my class discussion; I gave myself a facial and did my weekly beauty upkeep.
But as far as physical goes.....I was not.
Thursday was far too humid and I did not run. Friday, nothing. Saturday I was supposed to get up early for a long run by the water. Nope; I slept in til 10.
Sunday is a rest day anyway and I took that one too.
It was brought to my attention that my training schedule was too ambitious and I have decided to dial it back down to the basics. CrossFit 3-4 times a week (pretty much every other day) and running 3-5 miles a couple times a week. That should be good for now. I will see how it goes.
I went to CF yesterday and boy, was I sucking. It was pretty bad. I am over it now, but I was pretty bent out of shape about it.
My nutrition has still been good for the most part, although I think I am getting too much fat and fruit and not enough of a balance with protein and veggies. I will work on getting that straightened back out.
For the second part of my W90, I am going to eliminate nightshades for 30 days and see if that changes anything. I am also planning on cutting back dramatically on fruit. I think I may do one piece a day versus a few pieces a day. The same goes for nuts. I have been eating way too many nuts the past week or so.
I have cut out coffee almost completely and am drinking tea instead. I am actually enjoying a nice cup of green tea right now. I stocked up on several types, some decaf.. I really like STASH teas. Their black chai is so good!
I am still feeling really bloated today, which makes me sad. A week ago I did not feel like this. I think it is just the imbalance and I am sure that it will go away in a couple days.
This weekend, I did make a new recipe that I will post. It was a shrimp dish with coconut milk, pineapple, and raisins along with spices, onions, and green peppers all served over cauliflower couscous alongside a piece of boiled plantain. SO GOOD! And the best part? It was totally my creation!
My Bible reading is going well. I am so glad I am doing it.
I got the chance to talk to my Sister over the weekend and we discussed forgiveness and its true meaning.
We talked about how to truly forgive someone, you must atone them of their fault (whether you do this before or after they apologize...or if they never apologize) and then go on with that person as if it had not happened, just as Christ does for us when we sin and ask forgiveness. I found that to be interesting.
Now, this does not mean to go actively seek out the person and try to have a relationship with them if they have not apologized and put yourself in harms way, but if they approach you and apologize, whether you have forgiven them in your heart before that point or if you decide to forgive them then, then the right thing to do is just move forward and continue building (or re-building) that relationship.
I have a lot more to say, but I am going to have to put it in another post. I still plan on writing the articles I wanted to write this past weekend, but I just needed some "me" time, so I took it.
Food Journal:
M1:
3 Poached Eggs
Lots of spinach cooked with coconut oil
M2:
1 Small Hawaiian papaya cut up and mixed with cooked ground beef (this sounds gross but was actually really good)
M3:
Baby Carrots
Avocado
M4:
Cooked Hamburger Patty
Butternut Sqaush
M5:
Cooked Hamburger Patty
Cucumber and Black Olive Salad w/ EVOO and spices
M6:
Cooked Hamburger Patty
Shredded Red Cabbage and Broccoli Couscous cooked in Coconut Oil
I NEED SOME SALADS IN MY LIFE. That will be my mission for this upcoming week....salads, salads, salads.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Here comes the WEEKEND!!!!!!
This morning I got up a little later than I wanted to because last night I went to bed later than I wanted to. My body needs a full 8 hours. Getting up at 715 today was difficult because I did not have that amount of time under my eyelids, so to speak.
So, because I was a sloth this morning I did not make it to CrossFit, nor did I have time to make my usual delicious breakfast. I had to settle instead for precooked chicken tenderloins, a handful of almonds, and a pear. Good enough.
For lunch, my friends and I went back to the Greenhouse, the spot I flew solo to last weekend during my treasure hunt. It was just as good today as it was then.
I decided to try something different so I went for a salad with lettuce, hearts of palm, onion, avocado, squid, shrimp, and fish, all topped off with a hefty pour of olive oil and a little balsamic vinegar. SO GOOD. I also had a mango smoothie and about a half a cup of coffee.
I should have taken a picture. I need to start doing that...I ALWAYS have my camera on me in case inspiration strikes.
Anyway, lunch was delicious.
After we headed back to the office for a couple hours we ended up taking off for the day.
I was in desperate need of a mani-pedi, so we stopped off at the Holistic Spa next to my apartment.
I absolutely love it there! The people are great and ridiculously meticulous, which when it comes to beauty, is never a bad thing.
My friend ended up getting one too and also decided to get her hair done with new color and highlights.We were there for like 4 hours; it was definitely longer than I anticipated and wasn't exactly prepared food-wise.
Luckily, there is a little organic spot next door so I made my way over there and got myself a mango smoothie to tide me over; unfortunately, they were all out of coconut milk. This is me being disappointed...."I am disappointed."
Now, I am at home writing this.
I have to say, the precooked chicken was my saving grace today. It saved me at breakfast, my mid morning snack, and again at dinner.
I wanted to make shrimp curry tonight but my beautiful and delicious bottom feeders of the sea were in the freezer and I was hungry and didn't want to wait. Actually, after describing them like that, I am kind of glad I didn't eat them....
So I made a piece meal...basically just ate pieces of random things.
So here is a run down...
Meal 1: 3 oz Perfectly Tender Chicken Tenderloins, 1 handful of raw almonds, and a pear
Meal 2: Salad with lettuce, hearts of palm, onion, avocado, and a mixture of octopus, fish, and shrimp with EVOO and Balsamic Vinegar; Mango smoothie (mango and ice blended); 1/2 cup black coffee
Meal 3: 2 oz Perfectly Tender Chicken Tenderloins, a handful of raw almonds, apple
Meal 4: Mango Smoothie (mango and ice blended)
Meal 5: 3 oz Perfectly Tender Chicken Tenderloins, avocado, a handful of almonds, 1/2 of a cucumber with a little sea salt and cracked black pepper, boiled plantain. (I told you it was random!)
I ate a lot of fruit today and probably a little too many nuts. But it is ok. I am not going to sweat it too much.
Tomorrow I am planning on getting up early and going for a nice long run. Then I am talking to Sister (YAY!!!!), going to CrossFit, taking care of my schoolwork (I totally flaked on that responsibility and my schedule for it this week), and hopefully talking to Dad and Husband again.
I am also going to be writing a lot for the blog this weekend. I have come up with some "articles" that I think would not only benefit others but make this little site of mine carry a little more weight.
I love talking nutrition and the gro sto is my most favorite store in the whole wide world. I especially love a good WHOLE FOODS type store....I could get lost in there for hours looking at everything and reading labels, comparing, etc.....it is a source of inspiration for me.
Strangely enough, I also make a lot of my cooking decisions while I am in the shower. I have no idea why.
So anyway, I digress....
I am thinking about putting up an article about kitchen staples, a guide to smart gro sto shopping, some links about seasonal veggies and fruits, tips on how to get all the prescribed recommended amounts of fruits and veggies in your mouth on a daily basis, and whatever else comes to mind. It will be fun. And interesting to see what all I can come up with.
SO, I will be a busy bunny this weekend, let's just say that.
I am also going to make some more snacks, prep food, and make up some new recipes.
I was finally able to upload some pictures to the recipes I have posted already, so if you haven't be sure to check them out. I promise, simplicity is at the core of all my recipes. I like to have it on the table in about 30 minutes...and that is when I make something more extravagant. Most meals take about half that amount of time.
So, because I was a sloth this morning I did not make it to CrossFit, nor did I have time to make my usual delicious breakfast. I had to settle instead for precooked chicken tenderloins, a handful of almonds, and a pear. Good enough.
For lunch, my friends and I went back to the Greenhouse, the spot I flew solo to last weekend during my treasure hunt. It was just as good today as it was then.
I decided to try something different so I went for a salad with lettuce, hearts of palm, onion, avocado, squid, shrimp, and fish, all topped off with a hefty pour of olive oil and a little balsamic vinegar. SO GOOD. I also had a mango smoothie and about a half a cup of coffee.
I should have taken a picture. I need to start doing that...I ALWAYS have my camera on me in case inspiration strikes.
Anyway, lunch was delicious.
After we headed back to the office for a couple hours we ended up taking off for the day.
I was in desperate need of a mani-pedi, so we stopped off at the Holistic Spa next to my apartment.
I absolutely love it there! The people are great and ridiculously meticulous, which when it comes to beauty, is never a bad thing.
My friend ended up getting one too and also decided to get her hair done with new color and highlights.We were there for like 4 hours; it was definitely longer than I anticipated and wasn't exactly prepared food-wise.
Luckily, there is a little organic spot next door so I made my way over there and got myself a mango smoothie to tide me over; unfortunately, they were all out of coconut milk. This is me being disappointed...."I am disappointed."
Now, I am at home writing this.
I have to say, the precooked chicken was my saving grace today. It saved me at breakfast, my mid morning snack, and again at dinner.
I wanted to make shrimp curry tonight but my beautiful and delicious bottom feeders of the sea were in the freezer and I was hungry and didn't want to wait. Actually, after describing them like that, I am kind of glad I didn't eat them....
So I made a piece meal...basically just ate pieces of random things.
So here is a run down...
Meal 1: 3 oz Perfectly Tender Chicken Tenderloins, 1 handful of raw almonds, and a pear
Meal 2: Salad with lettuce, hearts of palm, onion, avocado, and a mixture of octopus, fish, and shrimp with EVOO and Balsamic Vinegar; Mango smoothie (mango and ice blended); 1/2 cup black coffee
Meal 3: 2 oz Perfectly Tender Chicken Tenderloins, a handful of raw almonds, apple
Meal 4: Mango Smoothie (mango and ice blended)
Meal 5: 3 oz Perfectly Tender Chicken Tenderloins, avocado, a handful of almonds, 1/2 of a cucumber with a little sea salt and cracked black pepper, boiled plantain. (I told you it was random!)
I ate a lot of fruit today and probably a little too many nuts. But it is ok. I am not going to sweat it too much.
Tomorrow I am planning on getting up early and going for a nice long run. Then I am talking to Sister (YAY!!!!), going to CrossFit, taking care of my schoolwork (I totally flaked on that responsibility and my schedule for it this week), and hopefully talking to Dad and Husband again.
I am also going to be writing a lot for the blog this weekend. I have come up with some "articles" that I think would not only benefit others but make this little site of mine carry a little more weight.
I love talking nutrition and the gro sto is my most favorite store in the whole wide world. I especially love a good WHOLE FOODS type store....I could get lost in there for hours looking at everything and reading labels, comparing, etc.....it is a source of inspiration for me.
Strangely enough, I also make a lot of my cooking decisions while I am in the shower. I have no idea why.
So anyway, I digress....
I am thinking about putting up an article about kitchen staples, a guide to smart gro sto shopping, some links about seasonal veggies and fruits, tips on how to get all the prescribed recommended amounts of fruits and veggies in your mouth on a daily basis, and whatever else comes to mind. It will be fun. And interesting to see what all I can come up with.
SO, I will be a busy bunny this weekend, let's just say that.
I am also going to make some more snacks, prep food, and make up some new recipes.
I was finally able to upload some pictures to the recipes I have posted already, so if you haven't be sure to check them out. I promise, simplicity is at the core of all my recipes. I like to have it on the table in about 30 minutes...and that is when I make something more extravagant. Most meals take about half that amount of time.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Catching up
My internet connection has been incredibly obstinate the past couple of days and has been outrageously slow and determined to keep my posting at bay.
Well not today internet! I win!
So, just a quick recap of the past 2 days..... (Tues & Wed).....
I began a schedule this week in an attempt to balance work, school, exercise, and my social life (not necessarily in that order). So far, with the exception of last night (I went to see a movie instead of studying) I am doing pretty well.
My schedule looks something like this:
M: CF & School
Tu: CF & Run
W: CF & School
Th: Run
Fr: CF
Sa: CF& Run (long run here.....5-8 miles....I will build up to 8, anyway)
Su: REST and do whatever school work I need to complete, if any
The goal is to be done with my school work by the weekend, so that I am not focused on it and I can allow myself to do other fun things like get outside or hang out with friends. The week needs to become more of a "zone" time for me......productivity needs to reign M-Th.
I consider Friday to be the start of the weekend, so, 4 days of busting my hump so that I can chill for 3 really doesn't seem like that big a deal.
I really should write down what I eat/my WOD so that in case I cannot blog that day, I can use it to reference. Let's just say this....I went grocery shopping on Tuesday and stocked up.
I bought shrimp, beef (ground and cubed), chicken tenderloins, salmon, eggs, green peppers, eggplants, butternut squash, cauliflower, broccoli, red cabbage, pears, apples, peaches, tomatoes, cucumber, okra, carrots, plantains, onions, nuts, tomato sauce (I found a brand with only real and simple ingredients, no sugar!), coconut milk, green and black olives, and more cracked black pepper.
I made up a new and delicious simple one pan recipe called Beef al Fresco. I am a HUGE fan of the one pan meal. It saves not only on time cooking, but cleaning later, and leaves a lot less mess in the kitchen. All around, a WIN.
Let it suffice to say, my nutrition is back on track and I am eating the rainbow!
My WODs have not been stellar this week, but they haven't been in the toilet completely. I attribute some of the lack of energy out to the lack of energy in over the past week and the rest to an early onset of the 'mones.
I did stick to my schedule and go for a run post WOD on Tuesday, albeit short. But, at least I did it. Score.
I am just past 3 weeks on my W30 (it is actually extended to a full 3 months....so W90) and I am feeling really good. I am leaning out and looking (and feeling) a lot healthier both physically and mentally.
I am beginning to see my muscle definition returning and my clothes are fitting me much better. The pair of jeans I purchased a month ago are actually fitting me and not squeezing me to death (I am actually donning them as I type).
I am still waiting for the "kick" in the gym, where I set my PRs and see strength and speed gains. Also, I am still having issues with my hands and arms (bio-lateral carpal tunnel and ulnar nerve damage) going numb and being weak coupled with really poor grip strength. I am thinking about giving up nightshades for my second leg of the 90 days to see if that helps at all since they are attributed to inflammation.
Also, I am taking on a challenge to do something I have started to do in the past a couple times but have always stopped doing. I want to read the Bible.
Now, as a Christian woman, it is my duty to God to study His teachings. I started a "read the Bible in a year" schedule that is definitely do-able. Now, I just have to make it a daily priority to spend the 15 or so minutes in the Word.
I am by no means a "holy-roller super religious Bile beater" (or whatever label you want to insert here).......I am interested in deepening my Relationship with my Savior and building an understanding of Him. Religion is dumb. I am interested in the connection.
The verse I read the other day was from Matthew and it was talking about uncleanliness and how what comes out of a persons mouth makes them unclean. It was a powerful message and I am trying to bear that in mind. It also talked about worshiping the Lord in vain. That is something I DEFINITELY want to avoid. In order to do that, I feel that I need to spend time in the Word so that I gain a better understanding of its teachings.
With that being said, all things considered, I am truly blessed. He has given me a great life along with some interesting challenges. But no matter what, I know He is here, right beside me, for me to lean on for support and guidance; I just have to ask for it and be willing to accept it, even if I don't understand it.
I am going through some changes in my life right now that I am ready for. I am ready to be an adult. I am ready to become my best. I am ready to be who God intended me to be.
While I will hopefully never lose the fun side of who I am and who God made me, I am realizing that I am changing. I think it is both a good and a scary thing. Generally speaking, it separates me from some people and sometimes it leaves me standing alone while it also and brings me together with others; it is giving me a new perspective and forcing me to see things in a different light and oddly enough, become somewhat like what I said I would never become...the change has been happening slowly over time and is really coming to a head now, as I realize what I want from my life is so much more than I used to want. I am not scared to go after it anymore.
I thank God for the change and pray for courage and guidance. I also pray for humility in my new attitude so that I do not become judgmental.
Well not today internet! I win!
So, just a quick recap of the past 2 days..... (Tues & Wed).....
I began a schedule this week in an attempt to balance work, school, exercise, and my social life (not necessarily in that order). So far, with the exception of last night (I went to see a movie instead of studying) I am doing pretty well.
My schedule looks something like this:
M: CF & School
Tu: CF & Run
W: CF & School
Th: Run
Fr: CF
Sa: CF& Run (long run here.....5-8 miles....I will build up to 8, anyway)
Su: REST and do whatever school work I need to complete, if any
The goal is to be done with my school work by the weekend, so that I am not focused on it and I can allow myself to do other fun things like get outside or hang out with friends. The week needs to become more of a "zone" time for me......productivity needs to reign M-Th.
I consider Friday to be the start of the weekend, so, 4 days of busting my hump so that I can chill for 3 really doesn't seem like that big a deal.
I really should write down what I eat/my WOD so that in case I cannot blog that day, I can use it to reference. Let's just say this....I went grocery shopping on Tuesday and stocked up.
I bought shrimp, beef (ground and cubed), chicken tenderloins, salmon, eggs, green peppers, eggplants, butternut squash, cauliflower, broccoli, red cabbage, pears, apples, peaches, tomatoes, cucumber, okra, carrots, plantains, onions, nuts, tomato sauce (I found a brand with only real and simple ingredients, no sugar!), coconut milk, green and black olives, and more cracked black pepper.
 |
| MY RAINBOW OF HEALTHY & CLEAN EATS! |
 |
| MEAT! |
 |
| VEGETABLES! |
 |
| FRUIT! |
 |
| PLANTAINS, ONIONS, GARLIC, AND PRE-PORTIONED ALMONDS! |
 | ||
| Most of those nuts will not be consumed by me...I am making Husband more spiced nuts! |
 |
| My beloved spices...I try to buy a new one with each trip to the gro sto... |
I made up a new and delicious simple one pan recipe called Beef al Fresco. I am a HUGE fan of the one pan meal. It saves not only on time cooking, but cleaning later, and leaves a lot less mess in the kitchen. All around, a WIN.
Let it suffice to say, my nutrition is back on track and I am eating the rainbow!
My WODs have not been stellar this week, but they haven't been in the toilet completely. I attribute some of the lack of energy out to the lack of energy in over the past week and the rest to an early onset of the 'mones.
I did stick to my schedule and go for a run post WOD on Tuesday, albeit short. But, at least I did it. Score.
I am just past 3 weeks on my W30 (it is actually extended to a full 3 months....so W90) and I am feeling really good. I am leaning out and looking (and feeling) a lot healthier both physically and mentally.
I am beginning to see my muscle definition returning and my clothes are fitting me much better. The pair of jeans I purchased a month ago are actually fitting me and not squeezing me to death (I am actually donning them as I type).
I am still waiting for the "kick" in the gym, where I set my PRs and see strength and speed gains. Also, I am still having issues with my hands and arms (bio-lateral carpal tunnel and ulnar nerve damage) going numb and being weak coupled with really poor grip strength. I am thinking about giving up nightshades for my second leg of the 90 days to see if that helps at all since they are attributed to inflammation.
Also, I am taking on a challenge to do something I have started to do in the past a couple times but have always stopped doing. I want to read the Bible.
Now, as a Christian woman, it is my duty to God to study His teachings. I started a "read the Bible in a year" schedule that is definitely do-able. Now, I just have to make it a daily priority to spend the 15 or so minutes in the Word.
I am by no means a "holy-roller super religious Bile beater" (or whatever label you want to insert here).......I am interested in deepening my Relationship with my Savior and building an understanding of Him. Religion is dumb. I am interested in the connection.
The verse I read the other day was from Matthew and it was talking about uncleanliness and how what comes out of a persons mouth makes them unclean. It was a powerful message and I am trying to bear that in mind. It also talked about worshiping the Lord in vain. That is something I DEFINITELY want to avoid. In order to do that, I feel that I need to spend time in the Word so that I gain a better understanding of its teachings.
With that being said, all things considered, I am truly blessed. He has given me a great life along with some interesting challenges. But no matter what, I know He is here, right beside me, for me to lean on for support and guidance; I just have to ask for it and be willing to accept it, even if I don't understand it.
I am going through some changes in my life right now that I am ready for. I am ready to be an adult. I am ready to become my best. I am ready to be who God intended me to be.
While I will hopefully never lose the fun side of who I am and who God made me, I am realizing that I am changing. I think it is both a good and a scary thing. Generally speaking, it separates me from some people and sometimes it leaves me standing alone while it also and brings me together with others; it is giving me a new perspective and forcing me to see things in a different light and oddly enough, become somewhat like what I said I would never become...the change has been happening slowly over time and is really coming to a head now, as I realize what I want from my life is so much more than I used to want. I am not scared to go after it anymore.
I thank God for the change and pray for courage and guidance. I also pray for humility in my new attitude so that I do not become judgmental.
Monday, September 6, 2010
WOD you say?
Well, I guess all the rain washed away the dreary because when I awoke today, I was greeted with the most brilliant and beautiful sunrise!
In fact, it was so bright and beautiful outside, I thought I had slept in again. I was a little confused as my alarm had just gone off and I knew I had set it for 630 but was convinced something was wrong because of how it looked out my window.
After getting up and checking my clock, confirming that it was early and not 10, as it appeared to be, I got dressed and headed out to CrossFit.
The past few days have caught up with me and I really felt it during my WOD.
Now, I want to put something out there and by no means is this a judgment call on anyone, but, when I perform a movement, even when it is for time/speed, I still give it all I have and try to focus on proper form. Now, that being said, there are a lot of people at my gym who really just halfway do things.
Their movements are not complete and I really don't even see how some people get anything out of the WOD.
Today's WOD did not seem too difficult upon reading it on the board. But, it took me a lot longer that I anticipated to finish. Here was the prescription:
5 rounds:
20 Jump Squats
30 KB Swings
40 KB Ab Twists
25 Truck Jumps
My time 28:50
Was that great time? No.
By the 4th Round I was seriously considering quitting. But, then I was like, "No way am I doing that"; I would rather take an hour and do it all and do it RIGHT, than rush through it and do things halfheartedly just to make good time. No.
When I first got there I inquired as to what a truck jump was and what I was shown was a solid jump, knees to chest, soft landing.
What I saw other people doing were fast shallow jumps, as if they were jumping rope.
I was confused because it was taking me a lot longer to do mine that other people were taking to do theirs and we were doing them completely different.
By the 3rd round, I asked if we were going for speed of form. I was told speed. Well, that explains that, I guess. But even when I was going for speed in the last 2 rounds, I was still trying to get knees to chest as much as possible. Just because you are going for speed does not mean you should throw form out the window.....you should do it as fast as you can without sacrificing form!
The same went for jump squats.
I use a weighted ball as a target for my rear to ensure I am getting enough depth in my squat; I try to focus on pushing my knees out, keeping my chest up, and powering through my heels to jump as high as I can on my way back up.
I honestly do not know why this bothered me so much today, but other people are either not jumping at all or barely squatting.
Actually, I think I do know what angers me; I think it is that they fly through their WOD and finish ahead then look at you like you are deficient. If I gave a halfhearted effort, I would probably finish faster too!
I know I should just focus on myself when I am doing things, especially my WOD, as it truly is me against myself, but I am a competitive person and it comes out in times like this. It angers me when people cut corners, regardless of what it is.
That was my rant. I am done. I am moving on.
So, anyway.....28:50.
Meh.
I guess I can say at least I finished under 30:00 and I finished each round just under 6 minutes and I used proper form to the best of my ability.
Yes, I like that positive outlook much better.
I just got a call that the fridge guy is supposed to come fix the fridge today...a couple days ago it was supposed to be replaced. I have no idea.
Today I am just going to focus on getting the rest of my stuff done, try to relax a little bit, hang out with friends at the movies later on, and eat well. I think I can handle that.
Update on the fridge sitch....The guys finally showed up around 230 and fixed the compressor. Viola! It works! Now I just have to clean it out and let it get cold for a few hours. YAY! Now I can buy lots of protein!
Food Journal:
FIAGT: Mango Smoothie (mango and ice, blended) and caffeine free red tea
FIAGT: 2 oz Raw Almonds
FIAGT: Good Morning Sunshine!; 1/4 boiled plantain.
FIAGT: 3/4 boiled plantain drizzled with coconut milk and sprinkled with cinnamon
FIAGT: Apple, Good Morning Sunshine!
FIAGT: Large Salad with Turkey, Ham, Onion, and Tomato.
****I totally did the steal this meal sandwich makeover from the Whole 30 with my salad....after a little confusion and going back and forth to see if they could make it, my salad arrived and it was delicious.
A word about the movie......
Normally, I am not a big Robert Patterson fan (I am not an Eclipser nor a fan of most other vampire/wolverine type stuff) but I just watched Remember Me and I am not going to lie......IT WAS GOOD!
It had a good plot, great acting, and an unexpected ending all while evoking emotion and connection to the characters. It drew me in and kept me there.
If you get the chance to check it out, do! Order it on Netflix....it would be a great flick to snuggle up on the couch with a nice cup of tea and someone special.
Good Night!
In fact, it was so bright and beautiful outside, I thought I had slept in again. I was a little confused as my alarm had just gone off and I knew I had set it for 630 but was convinced something was wrong because of how it looked out my window.
After getting up and checking my clock, confirming that it was early and not 10, as it appeared to be, I got dressed and headed out to CrossFit.
The past few days have caught up with me and I really felt it during my WOD.
Now, I want to put something out there and by no means is this a judgment call on anyone, but, when I perform a movement, even when it is for time/speed, I still give it all I have and try to focus on proper form. Now, that being said, there are a lot of people at my gym who really just halfway do things.
Their movements are not complete and I really don't even see how some people get anything out of the WOD.
Today's WOD did not seem too difficult upon reading it on the board. But, it took me a lot longer that I anticipated to finish. Here was the prescription:
5 rounds:
20 Jump Squats
30 KB Swings
40 KB Ab Twists
25 Truck Jumps
My time 28:50
Was that great time? No.
By the 4th Round I was seriously considering quitting. But, then I was like, "No way am I doing that"; I would rather take an hour and do it all and do it RIGHT, than rush through it and do things halfheartedly just to make good time. No.
When I first got there I inquired as to what a truck jump was and what I was shown was a solid jump, knees to chest, soft landing.
What I saw other people doing were fast shallow jumps, as if they were jumping rope.
I was confused because it was taking me a lot longer to do mine that other people were taking to do theirs and we were doing them completely different.
By the 3rd round, I asked if we were going for speed of form. I was told speed. Well, that explains that, I guess. But even when I was going for speed in the last 2 rounds, I was still trying to get knees to chest as much as possible. Just because you are going for speed does not mean you should throw form out the window.....you should do it as fast as you can without sacrificing form!
The same went for jump squats.
I use a weighted ball as a target for my rear to ensure I am getting enough depth in my squat; I try to focus on pushing my knees out, keeping my chest up, and powering through my heels to jump as high as I can on my way back up.
I honestly do not know why this bothered me so much today, but other people are either not jumping at all or barely squatting.
Actually, I think I do know what angers me; I think it is that they fly through their WOD and finish ahead then look at you like you are deficient. If I gave a halfhearted effort, I would probably finish faster too!
I know I should just focus on myself when I am doing things, especially my WOD, as it truly is me against myself, but I am a competitive person and it comes out in times like this. It angers me when people cut corners, regardless of what it is.
That was my rant. I am done. I am moving on.
So, anyway.....28:50.
Meh.
I guess I can say at least I finished under 30:00 and I finished each round just under 6 minutes and I used proper form to the best of my ability.
Yes, I like that positive outlook much better.
I just got a call that the fridge guy is supposed to come fix the fridge today...a couple days ago it was supposed to be replaced. I have no idea.
Today I am just going to focus on getting the rest of my stuff done, try to relax a little bit, hang out with friends at the movies later on, and eat well. I think I can handle that.
Update on the fridge sitch....The guys finally showed up around 230 and fixed the compressor. Viola! It works! Now I just have to clean it out and let it get cold for a few hours. YAY! Now I can buy lots of protein!
Food Journal:
FIAGT: Mango Smoothie (mango and ice, blended) and caffeine free red tea
FIAGT: 2 oz Raw Almonds
FIAGT: Good Morning Sunshine!; 1/4 boiled plantain.
FIAGT: 3/4 boiled plantain drizzled with coconut milk and sprinkled with cinnamon
FIAGT: Apple, Good Morning Sunshine!
FIAGT: Large Salad with Turkey, Ham, Onion, and Tomato.
****I totally did the steal this meal sandwich makeover from the Whole 30 with my salad....after a little confusion and going back and forth to see if they could make it, my salad arrived and it was delicious.
A word about the movie......
Normally, I am not a big Robert Patterson fan (I am not an Eclipser nor a fan of most other vampire/wolverine type stuff) but I just watched Remember Me and I am not going to lie......IT WAS GOOD!
It had a good plot, great acting, and an unexpected ending all while evoking emotion and connection to the characters. It drew me in and kept me there.
If you get the chance to check it out, do! Order it on Netflix....it would be a great flick to snuggle up on the couch with a nice cup of tea and someone special.
Good Night!
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Treasure Hunt
I woke up around 10 this morning to a dreary, rainy skyline. It felt good to just sleep in, though.
I have the whole apartment to myself this weekend, as my friends took a trip out to the beach. I decided to stay behind in order to maintain my priorities of school and saving money.
By the middle of this month, my Husband and I will be completely debt free; we will owe nothing to no one and I cannot wait. I get goosebumps just thinking about it and am so incredibly proud of us for accomplishing this feat.
I have checked off almost everything on my to-do list with the exception of laundry and picking up products for a new skin care regimen. I have been working on my paper for school today and I will admit, I am having a hard time staying focused.
With the inclement weather and being a little distracted, I decided to take a break and get out of the house.
I have passed by this restaurant called the Greenhouse a handful of times in a hip little neighborhood near my apartment and heard good things about it, so I decided to go and check it out for myself.
The place was very cozy and definitely green. From the cork floors to sustainable food items on the menu, I felt good about my choice to check it out and anxiously awaited to try what I ordered.
Not only was the service great, so was the food. I ordered the hamburger steak (sans bread) with mushrooms and a small Greek salad (hold the feta). It was pretty tasty. I also had a mango smoothie (just mango and ice, blended) and a black small coffee. The weather called for it.
I know I posted a few days ago about giving up caffeine....and I did really well for several days. I have definitely not gone back to a cup (or 2, or 3) a day by any means, but I have had a couple cups since that post (like literally 2) and a couple cups of tea that were not caffeine free.
I think, because I was so completely addicted to it (and since I am not only doing the Whole 30 for 30 days, but adopting it more as a lifestyle and trying to go a full 90 days on plan in an attempt to completely reset my body and allow my body to heal as much as possible) that I will slowly wean myself off and work my way into being caffeine free.
Ironically, my Husband is also trying to give up the caffeine and sugar, so I think it will be cool to do it together.
It is definitely hard and can be a struggle, but it is by no means impossible. It is all about mind set and being able to say "no thank you".
That goes along with a lot of things that are unhealthy in life. Sometimes when people are engaging in unhealthy behaviors around you, it is tempting to throw in the towel and join in. But I have learned that it is so much more rewarding to do what is best for me, politely decline, and reap the benefits of healthy choices.
Operating in that manner allows for a life lived with a conscious mind, totally involved in the experience, and without regrets. Honestly, I don't know if it can get much better than that.
Wait, it just did.....I am sitting here, writing and realizing it is almost 730. I am getting hungry and beginning to consider my options for dinner but I just got an invitation from another new friend that I have yet to meet in person (we have only conversed via text and phone). Of course I accepted and am excited for another "frate"! It came at the perfect time!
continued......
She is amazing and a very strong and independent woman. I can see us getting along exceptionally well. Conversation flowed and was easy and she was really funny and smart. I am so happy I went!
We went to a restaurant called The Market and it was very quaint, with a sizable menu of delectable entree options and a PLETHORA of wine, although I did not imbibe.
I settled on a piece of grilled salmon, which was cooked to perfection alongside portabello hash, which was essentially portabello mushrooms sauteed with spices and topped with fresh chopped parsley. It was simple and satisfying.......and totally paid for without me knowing, which was both very generous and completely unexpected. I owe her one......
What a lovely almost ending to a lovely weekend....luckily for me it is not quite the end for me yet as I do have tomorrow off in observance of Labor Day.......I think I will finish the last 10% of my to-do's and if the weather is nice, go hit the pool.
Going to bed now though; CF in the morning!
Food Journal:
Meal 1: 1 egg yolk and 4 egg white with tomato and olive oil
Meal 2: Apple and 2 oz Raw Almonds
Meal 3: Grapefruit
Meal 4: Hamburger Steak with mushrooms, Greek Salad, Mango Smoothie, 1 cup black coffee
Meal 5: Grilled salmon (no butter) and portabello hash (see above).
***I cannot WAIT to get my fridge fixed....I am SOOOOO LACKING in the protein department. SAD FACES!
Also, my paper is done!
I have the whole apartment to myself this weekend, as my friends took a trip out to the beach. I decided to stay behind in order to maintain my priorities of school and saving money.
By the middle of this month, my Husband and I will be completely debt free; we will owe nothing to no one and I cannot wait. I get goosebumps just thinking about it and am so incredibly proud of us for accomplishing this feat.
I have checked off almost everything on my to-do list with the exception of laundry and picking up products for a new skin care regimen. I have been working on my paper for school today and I will admit, I am having a hard time staying focused.
With the inclement weather and being a little distracted, I decided to take a break and get out of the house.
I have passed by this restaurant called the Greenhouse a handful of times in a hip little neighborhood near my apartment and heard good things about it, so I decided to go and check it out for myself.
The place was very cozy and definitely green. From the cork floors to sustainable food items on the menu, I felt good about my choice to check it out and anxiously awaited to try what I ordered.
Not only was the service great, so was the food. I ordered the hamburger steak (sans bread) with mushrooms and a small Greek salad (hold the feta). It was pretty tasty. I also had a mango smoothie (just mango and ice, blended) and a black small coffee. The weather called for it.
I know I posted a few days ago about giving up caffeine....and I did really well for several days. I have definitely not gone back to a cup (or 2, or 3) a day by any means, but I have had a couple cups since that post (like literally 2) and a couple cups of tea that were not caffeine free.
I think, because I was so completely addicted to it (and since I am not only doing the Whole 30 for 30 days, but adopting it more as a lifestyle and trying to go a full 90 days on plan in an attempt to completely reset my body and allow my body to heal as much as possible) that I will slowly wean myself off and work my way into being caffeine free.
Ironically, my Husband is also trying to give up the caffeine and sugar, so I think it will be cool to do it together.
It is definitely hard and can be a struggle, but it is by no means impossible. It is all about mind set and being able to say "no thank you".
That goes along with a lot of things that are unhealthy in life. Sometimes when people are engaging in unhealthy behaviors around you, it is tempting to throw in the towel and join in. But I have learned that it is so much more rewarding to do what is best for me, politely decline, and reap the benefits of healthy choices.
Operating in that manner allows for a life lived with a conscious mind, totally involved in the experience, and without regrets. Honestly, I don't know if it can get much better than that.
Wait, it just did.....I am sitting here, writing and realizing it is almost 730. I am getting hungry and beginning to consider my options for dinner but I just got an invitation from another new friend that I have yet to meet in person (we have only conversed via text and phone). Of course I accepted and am excited for another "frate"! It came at the perfect time!
continued......
She is amazing and a very strong and independent woman. I can see us getting along exceptionally well. Conversation flowed and was easy and she was really funny and smart. I am so happy I went!
We went to a restaurant called The Market and it was very quaint, with a sizable menu of delectable entree options and a PLETHORA of wine, although I did not imbibe.
I settled on a piece of grilled salmon, which was cooked to perfection alongside portabello hash, which was essentially portabello mushrooms sauteed with spices and topped with fresh chopped parsley. It was simple and satisfying.......and totally paid for without me knowing, which was both very generous and completely unexpected. I owe her one......
What a lovely almost ending to a lovely weekend....luckily for me it is not quite the end for me yet as I do have tomorrow off in observance of Labor Day.......I think I will finish the last 10% of my to-do's and if the weather is nice, go hit the pool.
Going to bed now though; CF in the morning!
Food Journal:
Meal 1: 1 egg yolk and 4 egg white with tomato and olive oil
Meal 2: Apple and 2 oz Raw Almonds
Meal 3: Grapefruit
Meal 4: Hamburger Steak with mushrooms, Greek Salad, Mango Smoothie, 1 cup black coffee
Meal 5: Grilled salmon (no butter) and portabello hash (see above).
***I cannot WAIT to get my fridge fixed....I am SOOOOO LACKING in the protein department. SAD FACES!
Also, my paper is done!
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