Leaky Wallet

October has been a rough month for me.

I know it is only the 13th, but so far it has been tumultuous. 

I have extended past my spending boundaries and I feel pretty bad about it.

Looking at the account today I realized I am going to have about $500 less in the account come the 15th than I thought I would.

We have still saved a great deal of money this month but it could have been an even greater amount.

I have eaten out WAY more than I usually do and that is one of the things I feel the worst about.  Money just thrown away in restaurants consuming food that does not make me any healthier.

What I splurged on wasn't all bad.  I purchased my first ever real winter coat and a few pairs of boots and a couple leather jackets (all the boots and leather jackets were second hand; I found them all at Etsy at a great price).

I am a Florida Native and have still not learned how to dress myself appropriately for North Carolina winters.  It snows and I normally freeze.

I decided to spend on some good quality timeless pieces that will last a long time and that is what I did.  But I still feel really guilty.

It wasn't impulse necessarily and they are needed items.  But I probably could have gotten away with buying less.  Ugh.

What is it with me?  I deal with stress with overindulgence be it with retail therapy or food.  I have GOT to get a handle on this and learn some new coping methods.  Every time I do this, I find a way to justify my actions in my head and then feel an immense amount of guilt afterward and ultimately end up feeling angry with myself which only perpetuates the lack my ability to cope.

Sometimes I feel like I am so on top of things and other times, I feel like a complete flake.

The First Day Back

OK.

So, yesterday was my first day back.  I was actually mindful of my nutrition.  I was able to eat healthy portions that were right for my body size and I felt satisfied for several hours afterward.  It felt good to eat clean and healthy food again.

Then, I went to the gym.

Wow.

I am out of shape, my friends.  I felt sluggish and slow and flabby and weak. 

I know within a couple weeks I will be feeling more energetic, faster, leaner, and stronger.

But this first day back was tough. 

This was my WOD:

400m Run, 21 Thrusters (55#), 21 KB Swings (25#), 21 Knees to Elbows (Modified with rings); 800m run, 15 Thrusters, 15 KB Swings, 15 Knees to Elbows; 400m Run, 9 Thrusters, 9 KB Swings, 9 Knees to Elbows.

My time was 23:30.

I  have GOT to get back to running...my cardio endurance is in the toilet. 

I have decided to be gentle with myself and listen to my body.  I do not want to do too much too soon but at the same time, I don't want to confuse my mind saying "I don't wanna!" with my body's urge to take it easy or rest. 

I am going to CF again today and taking a rest tomorrow.

On the rest day from CF, I will most likely go for a little run and then do some ab work or something afterward. 

I am already a little sore from last night, which is odd because it normally takes me a good 2 days to really feel the effects, but then again, I haven't really worked out in a while.

I took the advice that Melissa gave herself over at The Clothes Make the Girl. 

During the month of October, after a 3 week vaca in Prague, she was attacking CF and working out like it was her first time.  She wasn't comparing times, weight, PR's.....none of that.  It was a clean start, a fresh slate. 

I am adopting that same attitude.  I am just going to go in there, be as focused as I can be and do my best.

I will repeat...

I know within a couple weeks I will be feeling more energetic, faster, leaner, and stronger.

Fragility = Vulnerability

Self esteem is a fragile thing sometimes.

Normally, I really like myself and find myself to be attractive.

I normally think I am photogenic, have a nice smile, and pretty eyes.

It is amazing how much other physical elements can affect the way a person looks and even how they carry themselves.

Too thin of eyebrows, a weird colored shirt that clashes or washes out a person's face, bad make up application....but honestly the thing I think changes a person's appearance the most is their hair.

It could be the color, the style, but ultimately I think the cut is most dramatic.

It can either be the best or the worst accessory.

Recently I got a bad cut that was fixed only by lopping off my locks that I have been growing out for over a year; the cut I achieved by sticking it out through the weird phases, and that finally got where I was happy with it and loved the way it made me look. 

I felt ultra feminine, very pretty, and was pleased that even when I would throw it up in a messy bun and headband that it still looked pretty darn cute.

Now, that is all over.

Now, don't get me wrong.  I have been a short haired girl for most of my life.

I can rock the short 'do.  But I really am not liking how I look right now.

I feel frumpy, masculine, and pretty unattractive.  I feel like it makes me look heavier, my face rounder, and a lot less soft and sweet.

Maybe it is my attitude that makes me feel like I look hard, maybe the resentment is permeating my posture.

I mean, it is silly really.  I don't know how many times I have written about this experience, be it on my FB wall, here, or  mentioning it on other blogs or forums.  I don't know what it is affecting me in such a dramatic way.

It is just hair.  It will grow back.

But that logic doesn't soothe me.  At all.

It is going to take a good long while for that to happen, for it to reach the point it was.  I literally spent an hour tonight, perusing my photo library, looking back at pictures of me with longer hair.

It made me really sad.

I look like a completely different person.

I am just hoping in the next few weeks that it gets a bit longer where my bangs are at least a little longer and the sides are a little longer to give the appearance of length in the front and around my face.

Today, a friend was taking pictures of me, something I normally enjoy, but today.....I felt ugly and it came through in the photos; I looked like an 11 year old boy.

To mask how I really feel, I make funny faces or do stupid poses.  I just feel insecure right now and I don't like it.

I wouldn't consider myself to be vain necessarily, but maybe this is a lesson about vanity in some way.

I don't know.

I do believe that there is a lesson in everything though so I want to try to find the lesson in this situation.

It might not be something as deep as looking at vanity in a different light....

The lesson might actually be to reschedule the appointment if you can see your stylist trying to juggle 2 clients at the same time in a slammed salon on a Saturday afternoon; to not show your stylist pictures and allow them to work with what you have to best suit your face; to be sure you have a mutual understanding of what you want and what you will be getting before you place yourself under the mercy of their flitting scissors watching chunks of your hair tumble to the ground....

Thankfully, the guy who fixed my hair did a great job so that all the tiny layers are the same length; at least it won't grow out to be a complete disaster.

I am hoping in 3 months that it is long enough for this post to look silly in contrast.

I have never been so upset over hair before...but it has seriously made me feel......gross.  I cant explain it other than I feel stripped of my femininity almost.

I know that is totally irrational.  But this has been a super traumatic experience for me that I can't seem to shake.  I know that feeding my head thoughts of feeling gross and unfeminine and unattractive is not right and the more I think it the more I will convince myself that it is true.

I am frustrated, I am not going to lie.  I am disappointed.  I will get over it and my hair will grow, right back with my repaired self esteem.......and just like my hair, it might take a little while but everything will be ok.

14 Days...

It has been a crazy 2 weeks.

I, in my crazy wisdom, decided that some good old fashioned self destruction was in order.

My diet.....pfft!

Exercise?  It is a faint memory in the recesses of my mind.

I have been a complete mess, a train wreck...but this train is finally pulling back into the station.

This all started when I wrapped up my W30 and decided to start (responsibly) adding things back into my diet.

Then I went berserk.

THEN, last Saturday I went and got a haircut.  Up until that afternoon, I had been so looking forward to getting a great cut by my dramatic stylist at the Holistic Salon.  The spa was busy, he was in a hurry, I showed him a picture and told him to give me the same thing as last time except with shorter bangs.

When I was done, I wanted to cry. It looked AWFUL.  It was weird and stringy and mullet-like, a hair helmet (hairmet was the term Husband came up with) and NOTHING at all like what I wanted, had ever had before, or even close to what I asked for.

I high tailed it out of there before I broke into tears and took myself to a small restaurant where I gorged myself on an entree, bread, dessert, and cafe con leche.  I then proceeded to walk (this is where some of my exercise comes in) to Dunkin Donuts where I then purchased a muffin, 2 donuts, and another cafe con leche.  And then I ate it.  All. of. it.

I did it knowing full well that what I was doing was unhealthy and I didn't care.  I was punishing myself.  For what?  I don't know.  It wasn't like I cut my own hair (although it looked as though I did, blindfolded and with a machete) but I felt so angry and ugly that I wanted to further punctuate that feeling by abusing food and being cruel to myself, because after all, I deserved it. 

So dumb.

And the worst thing is...I knew it was dumb and irrational the entire time I was doing it!

Crazy.  I know.

Today I finally had it.  I put my foot down and said, "Kara, enough is enough!  You do not deserve this type of treatment!  You deserve love and respect!  You deserve to feel healthy and good!  God gave you ONE body...why the abuse?  Do you not appreciate what you have?"

I also came across something today on a blog I was reading today that hit me like a ton of bricks.

See, lately I have been dealing with some stuff (as I am sure we all have) and seem to have lost perspective.  I have been desperately searching for it and while doing so have come slightly unraveled, overwhelmed, and feel like I am spinning out of control (hence the over eating).  Much of it stems from being angry.

Now, I know what the bible says about anger and that love is slow to anger and that an angry person is a foolish one but reading this excerpt made me realize that the motivation behind my recent actions were so anger  based.

This is what got me:
                    
         "Should anybody buy into this silly notion that anger is sometimes or often necessary?
          Do you not understand that anger is almost always an emotion for people who wish to 
         control others while simultaneously failing to control themselves?......"

 Let me break this down as to why it hit me the way it did (Man, God does truly work in mysterious ways and it is amazing to me how He uses different methods of getting the point across!)

I have been searching lately....searching for an answer to my woes not even fully comprehending what my woes are.  I was searching in the dark basically. 

I have had an incredulous attitude, have been completely unmotivated to see the positive side of anything, and I have been sure to voice my complaints loud and proud, to anyone that would listen, whether they wanted to or not.  I can almost guarantee it was the latter.  

Thankfully, I have a wonderful Husband who I can confide in and he always gives me loving (and very logical and honest) advice; he has played a huge role in gaining perspective.   


Luckily, I also have good friends around me that don't get too hung up on my moodiness and know me for me and love me regardless.  I will say, however, that I was unfairly taking advantage of that leeway and was totally abusing that boundary.  For that I did apologize and I feel really bad about it but all I can do is look ahead and not allow a repeat offense in the future.


So, this morning as I was reading another blog post on this man's site, I perused older posts and found one that was called You Just Broke Your Child.  Congratulations. 


It really had nothing to do with this post necessarily, but that one blurb really was exactly what I needed to read. 


It spoke to my heart.  A little off the subjst for a moment, I think everyone should read this post, whether you have kids or not...If you are even considering having a child, please take a few minutes and read this post.


It brought me back to my childhood. 


But it helped me realize that I was in fact acting out of anger.


There are situations in my life and people that determine those situations and their outcomes that I have absolutely no say or control over; I just have to abide by the decisions and live them out.  Lately it has been a lot for me to deal with (and in all honesty it made me mad).  That is just about the time the spiral started.

Then other situations or circumstances in my life felt out of control and then my haircut happened which as silly as it may sound only compounded the other feelings of anger I had been repressing and  it was also a pretty traumatic experience for me.  

I was angry!

I was angry that I could not control these circumstances and situations and I really was unable to control myself on certain levels.  I allowed myself to swirl down the spiral of despair and had blinders on to all the good around me; all I chose to focus on was the negative, the bad, whatever was against what I wanted.  

I had to remind myself yesterday that the world did not revolve around me and my wants and needs. 


But today, I decided that it was time for a new attitude.  It was time for a change.


I don't want to live an angry life as an angry person.


I have so much to be thankful for and to be happy about.  


Sometimes I allow myself to get wrapped up in material things and overlook the priceless things.  Sometimes I get my priorities out of order.  Sometimes I feel overwhelmed and a little out of control.  


I am bound to make mistakes and get angry from time to time, but I really hope that this new perspective helps me handle things a lot differently the next time I am faced with something that is out of my control.


It is much like the Serenity Prayer...


          "  God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot
         change; courage to change the things I can; and the
         wisdom to know the difference."