It is Christmastime!

So, here we are yet again....approaching that  time of the year where holiday parties, food, drink, family, and friends abound.  It is Christmastime.

I want to take a moment here to say a few things about this time of year.  Stay with me as things might get a little messy, as I have a lot of mixed emotions about it.

As a kid, Christmas was always a stressful time for me.  We were pretty much poor and couldn't afford much.  We even had the Jaycee's (a charitable organization) bring gifts to the house on more than one year.

Half the time I spent the holidays at home with my Mom and the others with my Dad in another city from where I lived.  My parents were divorced and I spent much of my childhood (right up until I hit adolescence) traipsing back and forth between parents' houses and schools and circles of friends; Christmas was no different.

At Mom's house, we focused more on the reason for the season and as a kid, I never really appreciated it.  Instead, my young heart was envious of my friends' lavish gift displays set out by their parents; I wished I was them, that their parents were my parents.

At Dad's house, my brother and I would hit the jackpot!  Keyboard, new clothes, jewelry...the catch was that I had to leave it all at Dad's house.  This decision was made after the year that my Dad bought my brother and I a television set for Christmas and my mom took it back to the store to get the money.  Instead of a TV, we got a large cardboard train that was big enough for us to get inside and "drive" through the garage.

So, all my cool Christmas loot was only mine part-time.  I can remember feeling anxious going back to Mom's house after a Christmas at Dad's, feeling let down that I couldn't bring it home to enjoy.

Fast forward a few years and I was 14.  I got a lot of gifts that year.  I guess it made up for the poor quality of home life that was experienced the rest of the year.  After that, Christmas kind of became one of those holidays that I just stopped caring about.

Sure, I still gave and received and had a wish list each year and even as an adult participated with an "I love the Christmas Season!" mask on and even participated in placing myself in financial distress.  Honestly, it has made me uncomfortable for about half my life.

Now that I am older, looking back I see that it wasn't so much CHRISTMAS I opposed, but it was more the situations and feelings attached to it.

I still do not buy into the commercialism of the purpose for this day....although I do still give, this year it was a lot different for me.

I gave with a JOYFUL heart...because I wanted to, not because I felt like I should or I had to.

Let me take that back actually...it was not JUST this year.  It has been the past couple years.  I think that it has to do largely with the fact that I have found a safe and loving environment in which to celebrate this occasion and have begun to change the traditions of my past and create my own revised, updated, and modern ones.

I also think that over the past few years I have been fumbling with my relationship with the Lord.  This year has been exceptionally difficult for me and my spirituality in many ways and on many levels.  But, it has also brought me to a deeper understanding and feeling of closeness to Him; who He is, who I am to Him, and where I fit in this world.

Now, by no means am I claiming to have it all figured out.  I would be a liar if I said I did.  I am pretty sure no one does; not even the people who say they do or who you think does.  What I am saying is that this year, as I am sure each year should be, has been a time of growth for me, both personally and spiritually.

I feel like I am settled in areas that I didn't even realize I wasn't settled in until I felt settled and there are still areas I need to find balance in.  I feel as though I have changed in the inside, but for the better.  I am able to give more openly, love more freely, and be happier with less.  However, I still struggle in these areas on some levels as well.  Like I said, I don't have it figured out...just a better understanding of myself BECAUSE I have learned to look to and rely on the Lord, my God. 

Thinking back to my childhood, I can appreciate the fact that Mom tried to instill these things in me, even if I thought she was weird and grew up to stray far, far from the Lord; He was always in my belief system, I just didn't implement Him into my lifestyle. 

Normally during the holiday season I get depressed, abuse food, gain weight, and begin the new year in self-loathe mode, even if I wear a smile and an extra ten pounds on the outside.  It has been this way for as long as I can remember;  I attributed this time of year to anxiety, stress, sadness, loneliness, and ultimately disappointment.  I used to even go as far to say that I hated Christmas.

In my defense, I was speaking more of the greediness that goes along with the commercialism and the tizzy people would put themselves into to provide adequate gifts for the people in their lives, while going so far into debt they started out their new year not much different that I began mine. 

The past two years have been different though.

I will admit that this is the first year I have even purchased a live tree and put it up in my house.  This is the first year that I have gone to a store and purchased actual ornaments to go on the tree, to include multiple strands of lights.  I will also admit that the thrill of decorating a beautiful tree (which it is) any way I chose (which I did) quickly faded into feelings of depression and loneliness as I sat alone in my house, the only one to see it.

I debated about getting one at all.

I am here without my Husband and the rest of my family.

I am, however, surrounded by a group of amazingly wonderful and strong women who are special to me.  We have decided to spend the holiday together, making our own tradition, even if it lasts for only this season.

That is really the only reason I even put a tree up.

After a few days of coming home and seeing it, my sad thoughts began to dissipate and was replaced with anticipation of my friends' reactions when they see it lit up on Christmas Day.  We are celebrating at my house (I absolutely love to entertain) with a delicious and healthy meal, time around the tree opening gifts, and spending some quality time together.

That is when I realized that the way I felt about Christmas and what I say about how I feel about Christmas is not actually how I feel about Christmas.

I still do not agree with the frantic commercialism.

I do, however, think that finding a special something for someone you love is a joyous moment; spotting something that they will really appreciate or that will make their life a little easier or more enjoyable...that is what I feel Christmas should be about.

If you think about it, it is not much different that what God did by giving us Jesus.

He gave us a gift that would bring joy to our lives upon our acceptance of it; He knew we would enjoy and benefit from this gift.  It was chosen carefully, purposefully and was fully intended for our use.  It was unwrapped as a surprise.  He knew that by knowing Jesus Christ, our lives would become enriched, have deeper meaning, and become more fulfilling. 

So, giving is one thing.  Commercialism is a total other thing.  But what it really comes down to is Jesus really IS the reason for the season.....maybe we should focus more on that and the fellowship with those around us.  Enjoy the time with one another, relish it, savor it, imprint it in your mind, make memories from it.  But please, do not lose sight of what this holiday is really about.

Now that I can see where the ill feelings stem from, it is easy for me to dismiss them and make room for new feelings with a much more positive vibe.

When the day comes and I have my own family, I definitely want Jesus to be the main focal point of this holiday instead of Santa.

I want my children growing up to understand the love God has for them; that He proved it by giving us his Son, Jesus.  I want my children to understand the magnitude of that.  I want them to want to give MORE than they want to  receive.  I want them to know the joy of seeing another's joy.   I want my children to love Christmas.

I think I can finally say that I do....and not for the gifts or even the time with friends, but for the sheer fact that I know if He had never been born, His life would have never been given up to save mine.  What a sad, lonely, and disappointing life it would have been then!  

Who could dislike Christmas when it is looked at from that perspective??

Gasping for Air

I feel like I cannot catch my breath....I have been going a million miles a minute and feel like I have had ZERO time to relax in the last 2 weeks.  Even when I am out with friends, obligations and tasks are lurking in the back of my mind.

I am working and doing things right up until the time I go to bed.  I should actually be there now, but I wanted to  take a second and just get this off my chest; maybe I will feel better.

Work has been INSANE and we have been very busy...we have also had a lot of long days, leaving very little tile for much else during the week, even though that time is needed to balance my life.

For the past few months I have found it incredibly difficult to get into a groove.  I feel all over the place.  I feel spread too thin.  I feel scattered.  I feel unraveled.  I feel exhausted.

This week I am really going to focus on taking some time out for myself each day, even if it is 15 minutes to just be still.  I also am going to be better prepared this week so I can make it to the gym and eat clean.  I did pretty well last week, up until Thursday and then it was downhill from there.  I redeemed myself  today and am prepped and ready to go for tomorrow.

This week will be a good week.  It is the last week of full day schedule at work and next week we go to half days through the holidays, which will allow me some time to find my groove again. 

Coming back into country after being gone for 5 months and having to get things back in order is hard when I have no time to do it.  But, I am doing what I can when I can and I have gotten a lot accomplished; it has just been at the expense of time to do things I need to do for ME. 

Tomorrow is a new day.