Fragility = Vulnerability

Self esteem is a fragile thing sometimes.

Normally, I really like myself and find myself to be attractive.

I normally think I am photogenic, have a nice smile, and pretty eyes.

It is amazing how much other physical elements can affect the way a person looks and even how they carry themselves.

Too thin of eyebrows, a weird colored shirt that clashes or washes out a person's face, bad make up application....but honestly the thing I think changes a person's appearance the most is their hair.

It could be the color, the style, but ultimately I think the cut is most dramatic.

It can either be the best or the worst accessory.

Recently I got a bad cut that was fixed only by lopping off my locks that I have been growing out for over a year; the cut I achieved by sticking it out through the weird phases, and that finally got where I was happy with it and loved the way it made me look. 

I felt ultra feminine, very pretty, and was pleased that even when I would throw it up in a messy bun and headband that it still looked pretty darn cute.

Now, that is all over.

Now, don't get me wrong.  I have been a short haired girl for most of my life.

I can rock the short 'do.  But I really am not liking how I look right now.

I feel frumpy, masculine, and pretty unattractive.  I feel like it makes me look heavier, my face rounder, and a lot less soft and sweet.

Maybe it is my attitude that makes me feel like I look hard, maybe the resentment is permeating my posture.

I mean, it is silly really.  I don't know how many times I have written about this experience, be it on my FB wall, here, or  mentioning it on other blogs or forums.  I don't know what it is affecting me in such a dramatic way.

It is just hair.  It will grow back.

But that logic doesn't soothe me.  At all.

It is going to take a good long while for that to happen, for it to reach the point it was.  I literally spent an hour tonight, perusing my photo library, looking back at pictures of me with longer hair.

It made me really sad.

I look like a completely different person.

I am just hoping in the next few weeks that it gets a bit longer where my bangs are at least a little longer and the sides are a little longer to give the appearance of length in the front and around my face.

Today, a friend was taking pictures of me, something I normally enjoy, but today.....I felt ugly and it came through in the photos; I looked like an 11 year old boy.

To mask how I really feel, I make funny faces or do stupid poses.  I just feel insecure right now and I don't like it.

I wouldn't consider myself to be vain necessarily, but maybe this is a lesson about vanity in some way.

I don't know.

I do believe that there is a lesson in everything though so I want to try to find the lesson in this situation.

It might not be something as deep as looking at vanity in a different light....

The lesson might actually be to reschedule the appointment if you can see your stylist trying to juggle 2 clients at the same time in a slammed salon on a Saturday afternoon; to not show your stylist pictures and allow them to work with what you have to best suit your face; to be sure you have a mutual understanding of what you want and what you will be getting before you place yourself under the mercy of their flitting scissors watching chunks of your hair tumble to the ground....

Thankfully, the guy who fixed my hair did a great job so that all the tiny layers are the same length; at least it won't grow out to be a complete disaster.

I am hoping in 3 months that it is long enough for this post to look silly in contrast.

I have never been so upset over hair before...but it has seriously made me feel......gross.  I cant explain it other than I feel stripped of my femininity almost.

I know that is totally irrational.  But this has been a super traumatic experience for me that I can't seem to shake.  I know that feeding my head thoughts of feeling gross and unfeminine and unattractive is not right and the more I think it the more I will convince myself that it is true.

I am frustrated, I am not going to lie.  I am disappointed.  I will get over it and my hair will grow, right back with my repaired self esteem.......and just like my hair, it might take a little while but everything will be ok.