Breakthrough of the Day! Stay Gray.

So, today was stressful.  I worked all day and got nothing accomplished.  It is so frustrating.  BUT, tomorrow is a new day.

I was ok on energy today but still feeling pretty lethargic compared to normal.

I am on Day 28 of the Whole30.  It has been an exciting month and I am excited to see it through to the end.  I finally did it!

I was planning on going for 90 days.  But tonight, while talking to my trainer, I had an epiphany.  It hit me hard and made me actually say, "Huh!  I just had an epiphany!"

I am what you would call an "all or nothing" person.

It is black or it is white.  It is this or it is that.  Period.

Especially when it comes to eating and working out.

For me, a restrictive plan has been better and veering off that plan would be considered a failure in my eyes.  Sucking in a WOD equals failure.  Then I get so wrapped up in this notion of "failure" that it stops me dead in my tracks.  I am paralyzed by it.

All.  Or nothing.

It even made sense tonight why I make these ambitious workout schedules and then as soon as I miss a day I quit altogether.

All or nothing.

Or why it is hard for me to control not eating that whole pint of ice cream or the whole pizza or the entire bag of apple rings or (as was discussed this evening) the whole container of dates; it also explains why I used to be able to easily throw back a whole bottle of wine or a bottle of tequila (I have not had any alcohol in a good while now, but I am speaking in terms of realizing the correlation with my epiphany and past behaviors and their patterns)....

All.  Or.  Nothing.

I have done every eating plan on the face of the planet pretty much.  I have been vegetarian, vegan, Paleo, Zone, South Beach, etc........from one extreme to the other.  My poor Husband, it drives him nuts but he loves me anyway, bless his heart and he allows me to explore what feels right and supports whatever decision I make.

I have been a gung-ho advocate for each of these types of plans while I am on them and looked at EVERYTHING ELSE AS WRONG. 

I feel like a failure if I cannot follow these plans to the tee, 100%, all of the time.  I tend to get down on myself about it, berate myself about it, get angry at myself about it; then it just breeds guilt and condemnation regarding food.  What is GOOD and what is BAD.  Like I am bad if I eat something bad....I don't know.

I mean, it is not like I have not said the same thing I was saying tonight 100 times before, but for some reason, standing in the gym, having this conversation, it became so crystal clear to me that this is very much a part of me and how I think and perceive things.

To be honest, I don't really like it.  

I want to be somewhere in the gray.  

I want to be flexible.  I want to make good, solid choices for myself and definitely be cognizant of what I am putting into my body.


I LOVE EATING CLEAN.  It makes me feel good.

But I also want to be able to enjoy things I enjoy and not feel guilty about it if I feel like it is appropriate.


If I have learned anything over the past 30 days it is that I have realized this all or nothing attitude about myself...and why I attribute this "all or nothing" mentality to my food and to my fitness and how I don't have to do that to myself.  I do have a choice and I can maintain control an flexibility.  It doesn't have to be all or nothing.  It can be balanced.

I want to help others reach their goals...that is my goal in life, my passion.

I am glad I realized this about myself.  Maybe just knowing will help me stay in the gray. 

What is funny is I was like, "I am totally going to be gray!"...the all or nothing attitude was even applied to not having an all or nothing attitude.

I quickly caught myself and restated, "I mean, I am going to try to be gray!"

And that is what I am going to do.  Try.

WOD:
I did not finish my WOD because I wanted to do CF barefoot and doing 5 rounds of 100 mountain climbers barefoot (among other things) will only give your bare skinned toes, 'cause I got 'em!  So after my 2nd round I decided to practice my cleans instead.

I probably did 20 or so @ 65#.  I am really hoping to get that weight up.  I have been cleaning 65# for a while now.....

FOOD:

M1:  Pear, Baked Chicken Leg, roasted onions and sweet potato cubes

M2:  Carrots and 1/2 Avocado

M3:  Baked Chicken Breast, Butternut Squash, 1/2 Avocado

M4:  Baked Chicken Breast and Wing, Roasted Onions and Sweet Potato cubes, Butternut Squash, Shredded Red Cabbage and Broccoli Couscous

M5:  Apple and boiled Plantain

I also had a few teas today and lots of water!