It is officially Spring.
The sun is out, birds are chirping, flowers are blooming.
As for me, it has been a tough transition from last Spring until now.
After my May 2011 competition in Kansas City, I struggled with my weight and overall body image. I began eating what I wanted, drinking, and ultimately I put on nearly 20 pounds over 10 months. That is a steady gain.
I also had foot surgery in March so I have not been super mobile in the past month and a half.
But, with that gain and struggle I learned a lot too and I really feel that in order for me to grow in this area and move on with living my life, I needed to experience the struggle. Through my recovery from surgery, I have been given the opportunity to re-focus on what is important to me in my life.
Last summer, I read a couple books that gave me good insight.
The first was "The End of Overeating. Taking Control of the Insatiable American Appetite" by David Kessler. I learned so much from this book, especially how big companies target consumers by using layering techniques of sugar, fat, and salt to keep people eating and buying more of the product. Our brains are wired to crave more sugar, fat, and salt when consumed together; the industry just preys on that fact.
The second book I read was "Intuitive Eating, a Revolutionary Program that Works" by Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch. This book dumps some common nutritional beliefs on their heads. This book focuses on how every person is different and blanket diets (or diets that lead to deprivation) are a big no-no. It also teaches about how we have this inherent ability to regulate our food intake from birth, but it is usually lost as we are brought up; parents undoubtedly influence what, when, and how much a child eats. While people may think they are doing the best thing for their child, they could be interfering with their natural ability to regulate appropriate food intake.
Their basic point is it doesn't have to be an exact amount of food day in and day out; some days you will want more and some less, but in the end, it balances out. They also believe that no food is inherently bad. What is bad is over-consumption and mindlessness.
This theory resonated with me and still does and several others whom I have studied seem to have a similar opinion. Even when I had my bouts with overeating after reading these books, I could more clearly see triggers, and could better recognize my feelings while in the moment (whereas before it was almost like an out of body experience). Even in a binge, I could be mindful. That might sound odd, but it was a step in the right direction.
When I was prepping for my competition last year, I was very hard on myself. The smallest slip up would send me reeling. I went from being an overeater (all binge, no purge) to experiencing episodes of bulimia. It was kind of enthralling at first, it made me feel powerful in a strange way. That I could command my body to rid itself of what I had desperately craved only moments earlier gave me a feeling of indestructible, although I was indeed destroying myself each time I engaged in this behavior. It did not become an problem, per se; I realized that what I was doing was completely unhealthy and that I needed to stop. Although here were not many, there were probably a half dozen episodes in a month's time.
From that, I tried to re-learn my body, my eating type, my habits. I wanted to dissect them in a way that I was too scared to do in the past. I wanted to look at myself objectively.
I have been on a journey to do just that.
While I have learned a lot about what triggers me (anger, frustration, and anxiety) I still struggle with the default state that I have grown accustomed to over the course of my life. I am better able to talk myself down from the self destruction ledge and reason with myself. Sometimes, I allow myself the indulgence; many times, I feel little to no guilt afterward. Sometimes, I do. It depends on the situation, my state of mind, and surrounding circumstances.
It is really all about perspective and where you are with yourself.
There will be good days and there will be not-so-good days. But, that is life.
I have realized what my priorities are;I also realized I was focusing way too much attention on things I cared nothing about (in the big picture).
I have decided to be gentle and loving with myself; I will treat myself well and be patient with myself.
In an effort to do just that, I have decided to start blogging again. It really helps me (and hopefully others) realize my issues and feelings about things. Sometimes I don't even know I feel a certain way until it comes out in my writing.
In an effort to be better to myself, I am really going to focus on putting good, nutritious fuel in my body and moving my body everyday.
As this post started out, it is Springtime. On a walk with my dog today, I looked up at the sky and felt ALIVE for the first time in a long time. I felt THANKFUL that God has blessed me with a capable body in which I can use to do good, healthy things. It was a remarkable feeling to realize how much I take for granted in my life. Why waste it by trying to continually destroy it?
Instead, I am choosing to cherish, honor, and nurture my mind, my body, and my spirit.
This is not a dress-rehearsal. This is my life, the only one I have on this Earth, so why not make the most of every day that I am lucky enough to be here?
This will not be accomplished easily. It will take hard work. But it is worth the dedication.
When I think of all the other things I spend time on...either through doing or pondering, I am choosing to make me and my well-being a priority.
Friday, April 6, 2012
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Time Flies
Well, well, well....time sure does fly when you are having a good time.
These past few months have been a whirlwind and sadly, I have done a poor job of documenting them here.
On May 21, I stood tall and tan in 5 inch clear heels on stage in a micro-bikini in front of hundreds of people under bright lights and with loud thumping music filling my ears at the Midland Theater in Kansas City, MO.
It. Was. Awesome.
I was blessed to have a couple of my besties along with me. Liz and I stood right next to each other on stage and Katie was in a different category, but we got to spend time backstage together. It was exciting and nothing like I imagined at all.
The WBFF put together a fantastic show and the promoters were amazing, detail oriented, and the show went off without a hitch (well, Hitch Fit was in the house, but that is a different story).
Hi guys!
The women I met were kind, amazing, inspiring, FRIENDLY, and so truly dedicated that it made me so proud to be a part of it all.
I trained long and hard for 16 weeks. Was it worth it? In many ways, yes.
It was something that I have been wanting to do for such a long time now and the fact that I did it is just mind-blowing. I am super proud of myself.
That being said, I don't think it is something I want to be doing all year.
Although I did not place, I didn't care. The experience was worth it to me as well as the memories, the people I met, the things learned about myself, and getting to see Kansas City.
I got to spend some time with one of my oldest friends who happens to live there.
I ate the most delicious bar-b-que I have ever had.
I celebrated with great friends, good food, and delicious brew (and wine!).
Now, with this behind me, I set my sights on new goals.
On Oct 29, 2011 I am running my very first half marathon in Greenville, SC.
My training schedule is a bit different and I am doing my own nutrition. I am using the Eat Clean Diet and the Eat Clean Diet Magazine as my guide.
I am definitely eating more now than I was during competition prep, but my overall intake is not too terribly different (except my carbs, but most of them are coming from the copious amounts of veggies I am eating).
Right now I am taking in between 1600-1800 calories a day.
I feel good and I have only gained a few pounds post show. Not too bad.
I will say that I was still carrying a considerable amount of body fat compared to other girls on stage, but even still, I felt like a million bucks. It didn't matter to me.
After the show (and a horrible travel experience returning home...although we did have an impromptu vaca in Dallas for a couple days and got to check out the aquarium and some of downtown, which was fun) we went on vacation for nearly a month.
We spent the majority of our time in Florida, split between Tampa/St Pete and Jacksonville.
After seeing friends. family, going and doing, partying, and visiting the theme park we decided to head back home and start our staycation.
It was a busy 2 weeks with house projects and getting things in major order while we had the opportunity.
My Husband even gave me carte blanche in the Master Bedroom and I created a sexy, loungy Morrocan/Boho inspired spacewe could both enjoy.
But, I have to be honest here......I have had a hard time staying motivated in terms of getting into the gym and working out.
Don't get me wrong...I have worked out, gone running, and have eaten pretty clean.
BUT.....
I have done JUST ENOUGH to not lose it totally and I have had plenty of treats (and drinks!).
I was so glad to get back to work and on a regular schedule.
This week wasn't the BEST example for that with the holiday weekend and all, but I did work out more this week than I have in a while, and it felt pretty good (and left me pretty sore!).
I decided that I was going to follow the Eat Clean 2 week plan found in this Eat Clean Magazine and so far I am loving the simplicity and great taste of the recipes.
Sometimes I tend to over-complicate things and this menu makes me understand that things can be simple and satisfying.
I have been a clean eating advocate for many years now, but sometimes, it is nice to just go back to the basics.
Sometimes we can overload ourselves with information that we obtain online, from self proclaimed "experts" and even the government.
Detoxing ourselves and getting back to simple eating is sometimes just what we need to gain perspective. It is true for me, anyway.
I know this is a long post, but it has been such a long time...I miss this.
I am going to try to get back into posting more often...at least once a week.
Pics will be added soon.
Peace, love, and God Bless.
These past few months have been a whirlwind and sadly, I have done a poor job of documenting them here.
On May 21, I stood tall and tan in 5 inch clear heels on stage in a micro-bikini in front of hundreds of people under bright lights and with loud thumping music filling my ears at the Midland Theater in Kansas City, MO.
It. Was. Awesome.
I was blessed to have a couple of my besties along with me. Liz and I stood right next to each other on stage and Katie was in a different category, but we got to spend time backstage together. It was exciting and nothing like I imagined at all.
The WBFF put together a fantastic show and the promoters were amazing, detail oriented, and the show went off without a hitch (well, Hitch Fit was in the house, but that is a different story).
Hi guys!
The women I met were kind, amazing, inspiring, FRIENDLY, and so truly dedicated that it made me so proud to be a part of it all.
I trained long and hard for 16 weeks. Was it worth it? In many ways, yes.
It was something that I have been wanting to do for such a long time now and the fact that I did it is just mind-blowing. I am super proud of myself.
That being said, I don't think it is something I want to be doing all year.
Although I did not place, I didn't care. The experience was worth it to me as well as the memories, the people I met, the things learned about myself, and getting to see Kansas City.
I got to spend some time with one of my oldest friends who happens to live there.
I ate the most delicious bar-b-que I have ever had.
I celebrated with great friends, good food, and delicious brew (and wine!).
Now, with this behind me, I set my sights on new goals.
On Oct 29, 2011 I am running my very first half marathon in Greenville, SC.
My training schedule is a bit different and I am doing my own nutrition. I am using the Eat Clean Diet and the Eat Clean Diet Magazine as my guide.
I am definitely eating more now than I was during competition prep, but my overall intake is not too terribly different (except my carbs, but most of them are coming from the copious amounts of veggies I am eating).
Right now I am taking in between 1600-1800 calories a day.
I feel good and I have only gained a few pounds post show. Not too bad.
I will say that I was still carrying a considerable amount of body fat compared to other girls on stage, but even still, I felt like a million bucks. It didn't matter to me.
After the show (and a horrible travel experience returning home...although we did have an impromptu vaca in Dallas for a couple days and got to check out the aquarium and some of downtown, which was fun) we went on vacation for nearly a month.
We spent the majority of our time in Florida, split between Tampa/St Pete and Jacksonville.
After seeing friends. family, going and doing, partying, and visiting the theme park we decided to head back home and start our staycation.
It was a busy 2 weeks with house projects and getting things in major order while we had the opportunity.
My Husband even gave me carte blanche in the Master Bedroom and I created a sexy, loungy Morrocan/Boho inspired spacewe could both enjoy.
But, I have to be honest here......I have had a hard time staying motivated in terms of getting into the gym and working out.
Don't get me wrong...I have worked out, gone running, and have eaten pretty clean.
BUT.....
I have done JUST ENOUGH to not lose it totally and I have had plenty of treats (and drinks!).
I was so glad to get back to work and on a regular schedule.
This week wasn't the BEST example for that with the holiday weekend and all, but I did work out more this week than I have in a while, and it felt pretty good (and left me pretty sore!).
I decided that I was going to follow the Eat Clean 2 week plan found in this Eat Clean Magazine and so far I am loving the simplicity and great taste of the recipes.
Sometimes I tend to over-complicate things and this menu makes me understand that things can be simple and satisfying.
I have been a clean eating advocate for many years now, but sometimes, it is nice to just go back to the basics.
Sometimes we can overload ourselves with information that we obtain online, from self proclaimed "experts" and even the government.
Detoxing ourselves and getting back to simple eating is sometimes just what we need to gain perspective. It is true for me, anyway.
I know this is a long post, but it has been such a long time...I miss this.
I am going to try to get back into posting more often...at least once a week.
Pics will be added soon.
Peace, love, and God Bless.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
18 weeks out
Well, this week was the first week back to training.
I did pretty well, as my body is weak and recovering from a nasty flu strain.
I got in 4/6 days resistance training and 4/5 days cardio training. It is a new program for me and I am a little unfamiliar with it so I am using this first week to go through it, kind of like a "test run" to get my feet wet.
Now that I am a little more "in the know" I am going at it hard this upcoming week.
I have also decided to incorporate some classes (new and old favorites) into my routine. On the line up: Pilates (<3), Kickboxing (I have taken a few classes before and it always kicks my butt!), Zumba (we will see how this one goes).
Along with classes, I want to mix up my cardio training with swimming, jumping rope, and playing tennis with my Husband, although, I am not sure how much "cardio" benefit I will get...I am not stellar at tennis, but it will be fun if nothing else.
Yesterday I prepared my meals for the next 7 days. It took a while, but I had a plan and stuck to it.
I made:
Chicken Salad*
Frittata Cups with Oatmeal*
Protein Pancakes*
Huevos Rancheros with Rice*
Shrimp Stir-fry*
Chili*
Shredded Chicken for Salads*
Tropical Coconut Shrimp Variation*
Chicken with Cauliflower. Onion, and Squash Medley
*Recipes will be posted on the RECIPES page.
On another note, my Husband and I are still determining what living frugal means to us and we are constantly re-evaluating our budget.
While we were talking the other day, he showed me this link on Budgets Are Sexy.
There are many posts on the site pertaining to budgets but the one he showed me was about grocery bills.
Normally, we budget $1000 a month for food. This includes grocery trips (to include toiletries, cleaning products, trash bags, laundry soap), coffee trips, and eating out.
Upon looking at this page we decided to slash our budget in this area and do an experiment.
Instead of $1000 a month, we have cut it down by 30% to $700 (which, is still well above what others spend. This gives us $150/week at the grocery store and $100/month for eating out.
We have our own personal spending allowances that we can use for coffees, lunch out during the work week, or whatever else, but the money allotted for groceries and OUR date dining is reserved for just that.
That saves us $300 a month which comes to $3600 a year! That is a lot!
So, I decided to start the experiment at the store yesterday.
Right now, I am cooking for myself, so I cut the $150 in half. That was my food budget for the week.
Before heading out to the store, I took a detailed inventory of what I currently had at the house. Building meals from that, I added items I needed to supplement. This helped my list stay small as I wasn't creating a menu where I needed to purchase every single ingredient.
Then, I was off to the store. I did not deviate from my list. I purchased only what was on it. My total was $56. There were 2 items I was unable to purchase on this trip, so that will add about another $7 to my overall grocery total, bringing it to $62.
When I left the store, I was hungry and would have to prepare my food once I got home. I hadn't had my cheat meal yet so I decided to go get some Indian food. My total balance there was $18; totaling $80.
My Husband thought it would be more like $100, but we were both pleased with $80.
Now my fridge is stocked for the next 7 days and I can come home after work or the gym and just pop it in the microwave. No fuss. No mess.
My plan is, because this food should last until next Saturday, I will most likely go shopping Friday after work and then come home and cook after the gym on Saturday morning.
So, that is my update for this week! I can't believe in just under 18 weeks, I will be up on that stage! Time to get cracking on my vision board!!!
And I am interested in knowing, what do you spend on average per week at the gro sto? What does this total include (food, pet food, toiletries, cleaning/household supplies)? How often do you eat out? Is this amount included in your overall food budget? How do you break this budget down?
I did pretty well, as my body is weak and recovering from a nasty flu strain.
I got in 4/6 days resistance training and 4/5 days cardio training. It is a new program for me and I am a little unfamiliar with it so I am using this first week to go through it, kind of like a "test run" to get my feet wet.
Now that I am a little more "in the know" I am going at it hard this upcoming week.
I have also decided to incorporate some classes (new and old favorites) into my routine. On the line up: Pilates (<3), Kickboxing (I have taken a few classes before and it always kicks my butt!), Zumba (we will see how this one goes).
Along with classes, I want to mix up my cardio training with swimming, jumping rope, and playing tennis with my Husband, although, I am not sure how much "cardio" benefit I will get...I am not stellar at tennis, but it will be fun if nothing else.
Yesterday I prepared my meals for the next 7 days. It took a while, but I had a plan and stuck to it.
I made:
Chicken Salad*
Frittata Cups with Oatmeal*
Protein Pancakes*
Huevos Rancheros with Rice*
Shrimp Stir-fry*
Chili*
Shredded Chicken for Salads*
Tropical Coconut Shrimp Variation*
Chicken with Cauliflower. Onion, and Squash Medley
*Recipes will be posted on the RECIPES page.
On another note, my Husband and I are still determining what living frugal means to us and we are constantly re-evaluating our budget.
While we were talking the other day, he showed me this link on Budgets Are Sexy.
There are many posts on the site pertaining to budgets but the one he showed me was about grocery bills.
Normally, we budget $1000 a month for food. This includes grocery trips (to include toiletries, cleaning products, trash bags, laundry soap), coffee trips, and eating out.
Upon looking at this page we decided to slash our budget in this area and do an experiment.
Instead of $1000 a month, we have cut it down by 30% to $700 (which, is still well above what others spend. This gives us $150/week at the grocery store and $100/month for eating out.
We have our own personal spending allowances that we can use for coffees, lunch out during the work week, or whatever else, but the money allotted for groceries and OUR date dining is reserved for just that.
That saves us $300 a month which comes to $3600 a year! That is a lot!
So, I decided to start the experiment at the store yesterday.
Right now, I am cooking for myself, so I cut the $150 in half. That was my food budget for the week.
Before heading out to the store, I took a detailed inventory of what I currently had at the house. Building meals from that, I added items I needed to supplement. This helped my list stay small as I wasn't creating a menu where I needed to purchase every single ingredient.
Then, I was off to the store. I did not deviate from my list. I purchased only what was on it. My total was $56. There were 2 items I was unable to purchase on this trip, so that will add about another $7 to my overall grocery total, bringing it to $62.
When I left the store, I was hungry and would have to prepare my food once I got home. I hadn't had my cheat meal yet so I decided to go get some Indian food. My total balance there was $18; totaling $80.
My Husband thought it would be more like $100, but we were both pleased with $80.
Now my fridge is stocked for the next 7 days and I can come home after work or the gym and just pop it in the microwave. No fuss. No mess.
 |
| Stocked up! Everything is pictured here except the chili and the chicken with the Cauliflower, Squash, and Onion Medley. |
 |
| No deviating this week! It is all about the planning and prep!! |
So, that is my update for this week! I can't believe in just under 18 weeks, I will be up on that stage! Time to get cracking on my vision board!!!
And I am interested in knowing, what do you spend on average per week at the gro sto? What does this total include (food, pet food, toiletries, cleaning/household supplies)? How often do you eat out? Is this amount included in your overall food budget? How do you break this budget down?
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Day 2...with the FLU
So, yep......I have the FLU!!!???!!!?!?!?!?!?!?
It seems like every single time I start a new training regimen I get sick. I have been feeling a little poppy since Saturday night and it has progressively gotten worse. This morning was AWFUL.
I went to the doctor and they told me to go home for the next 2 days and rest. That means no training.
However....
I can still eat clean and drink lots of water, so that is good.
Off to rest. I am exhausted....pretty much NO sleep last night. Ugh.
It seems like every single time I start a new training regimen I get sick. I have been feeling a little poppy since Saturday night and it has progressively gotten worse. This morning was AWFUL.
I went to the doctor and they told me to go home for the next 2 days and rest. That means no training.
However....
I can still eat clean and drink lots of water, so that is good.
Off to rest. I am exhausted....pretty much NO sleep last night. Ugh.
Monday, January 3, 2011
My JOURNEY to the Stage Week 1
So. Here we are. Hello 2011. I am getting ready to take you down!
As you may know, I have decided to compete in my first competition as a physique athlete on May 21, 2011. I have chosen the WBFF show in Kansas City, MO and am entering myself into the Diva Fitness Model Division.
Competing has been a goal of mine for the past 3 years. I have trained twice before only to be interrupted by a conflicting work schedule. This time, I am determined to get out on that stage and show off all my hard work, no matter what I have to do to work around work. I am doing this.
Today was the official start of my training.
Last night I prepped and cooked and packaged meals for the next few days (I will post my recipe for my protein pancakes...they are so good!) so I am all ready to go; clean food is at an arms reach when hunger calls every 2-3 hours.
I woke up this morning feeling like I am getting sick with a head cold. Right now, I still feel the same way.
However, I am going to try to work through it unless I start becoming congested; I definitely do not want to spread my sick germs all over the gym and kill people's newfound/renewed motivation to get in shape.
If anything, I can work out at home for a few days or if it gets bad enough, rest; as long as I keep my diet squeaky clean, I will be ok.
Today though, I had a great workout. I pushed myself and definitely exhausted my muscles. It. Felt. Great.
This evening I took my measurements for my suit. I am a little bigger now than I was in the spring, but nothing too crazy. About 1 inch in my waist, hips, and butt.
I also weigh 140, about 10 pounds heavier than when I got married in March. I cannot blame this on the first year and getting comfortable with each other.
First, we are plenty comfy with one another already.
Second, we have only spent 3 months of our 9 month marriage in the same place.
The culprit is stuffing my grocery hole with foods that I should enjoy only in moderation....not whenever I feel like indulging, which is the course I have been taking for the past couple months.
In order to help kickstart my recovery I have designated January as a sugar and alcohol free month. I have been imbibing and sweet-toothing it more than I should have. Moving on.
I am not going to stress over it or dwell on it. I did it. I am a little bigger. Get over it. Get on the horse and keep your eye on the prize (this is what I tell myself).
Are you impressed at all the cliché implementation?
I had a question about the size suit I should order since I will definitely be smaller in May (and way more defined!) so I am waiting to hear back from the designer. I am hoping to get it ordered this week.
In sum, today was a good day.
I ate clean. I got a solid workout in that left me breathing heavy and sweaty (on a chest day!), and I got some errands and tasks taken care of that have been looming over my head for a while.
For now, I am off to bed. Back to work tomorrow. This will be the first day to test working out during my lunch break, which is my plan for the next several months.
Also, I will most likely post once a week, probably on Thursday because that is when I do my check in with my coaches at Cathy Savage Fitness. At that time, I will post some pics too.
As you may know, I have decided to compete in my first competition as a physique athlete on May 21, 2011. I have chosen the WBFF show in Kansas City, MO and am entering myself into the Diva Fitness Model Division.
Competing has been a goal of mine for the past 3 years. I have trained twice before only to be interrupted by a conflicting work schedule. This time, I am determined to get out on that stage and show off all my hard work, no matter what I have to do to work around work. I am doing this.
Today was the official start of my training.
Last night I prepped and cooked and packaged meals for the next few days (I will post my recipe for my protein pancakes...they are so good!) so I am all ready to go; clean food is at an arms reach when hunger calls every 2-3 hours.
I woke up this morning feeling like I am getting sick with a head cold. Right now, I still feel the same way.
However, I am going to try to work through it unless I start becoming congested; I definitely do not want to spread my sick germs all over the gym and kill people's newfound/renewed motivation to get in shape.
If anything, I can work out at home for a few days or if it gets bad enough, rest; as long as I keep my diet squeaky clean, I will be ok.
Today though, I had a great workout. I pushed myself and definitely exhausted my muscles. It. Felt. Great.
This evening I took my measurements for my suit. I am a little bigger now than I was in the spring, but nothing too crazy. About 1 inch in my waist, hips, and butt.
I also weigh 140, about 10 pounds heavier than when I got married in March. I cannot blame this on the first year and getting comfortable with each other.
First, we are plenty comfy with one another already.
Second, we have only spent 3 months of our 9 month marriage in the same place.
The culprit is stuffing my grocery hole with foods that I should enjoy only in moderation....not whenever I feel like indulging, which is the course I have been taking for the past couple months.
In order to help kickstart my recovery I have designated January as a sugar and alcohol free month. I have been imbibing and sweet-toothing it more than I should have. Moving on.
I am not going to stress over it or dwell on it. I did it. I am a little bigger. Get over it. Get on the horse and keep your eye on the prize (this is what I tell myself).
Are you impressed at all the cliché implementation?
I had a question about the size suit I should order since I will definitely be smaller in May (and way more defined!) so I am waiting to hear back from the designer. I am hoping to get it ordered this week.
In sum, today was a good day.
I ate clean. I got a solid workout in that left me breathing heavy and sweaty (on a chest day!), and I got some errands and tasks taken care of that have been looming over my head for a while.
For now, I am off to bed. Back to work tomorrow. This will be the first day to test working out during my lunch break, which is my plan for the next several months.
Also, I will most likely post once a week, probably on Thursday because that is when I do my check in with my coaches at Cathy Savage Fitness. At that time, I will post some pics too.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
It is Christmastime!
So, here we are yet again....approaching that time of the year where holiday parties, food, drink, family, and friends abound. It is Christmastime.
I want to take a moment here to say a few things about this time of year. Stay with me as things might get a little messy, as I have a lot of mixed emotions about it.
As a kid, Christmas was always a stressful time for me. We were pretty much poor and couldn't afford much. We even had the Jaycee's (a charitable organization) bring gifts to the house on more than one year.
Half the time I spent the holidays at home with my Mom and the others with my Dad in another city from where I lived. My parents were divorced and I spent much of my childhood (right up until I hit adolescence) traipsing back and forth between parents' houses and schools and circles of friends; Christmas was no different.
At Mom's house, we focused more on the reason for the season and as a kid, I never really appreciated it. Instead, my young heart was envious of my friends' lavish gift displays set out by their parents; I wished I was them, that their parents were my parents.
At Dad's house, my brother and I would hit the jackpot! Keyboard, new clothes, jewelry...the catch was that I had to leave it all at Dad's house. This decision was made after the year that my Dad bought my brother and I a television set for Christmas and my mom took it back to the store to get the money. Instead of a TV, we got a large cardboard train that was big enough for us to get inside and "drive" through the garage.
So, all my cool Christmas loot was only mine part-time. I can remember feeling anxious going back to Mom's house after a Christmas at Dad's, feeling let down that I couldn't bring it home to enjoy.
Fast forward a few years and I was 14. I got a lot of gifts that year. I guess it made up for the poor quality of home life that was experienced the rest of the year. After that, Christmas kind of became one of those holidays that I just stopped caring about.
Sure, I still gave and received and had a wish list each year and even as an adult participated with an "I love the Christmas Season!" mask on and even participated in placing myself in financial distress. Honestly, it has made me uncomfortable for about half my life.
Now that I am older, looking back I see that it wasn't so much CHRISTMAS I opposed, but it was more the situations and feelings attached to it.
I still do not buy into the commercialism of the purpose for this day....although I do still give, this year it was a lot different for me.
I gave with a JOYFUL heart...because I wanted to, not because I felt like I should or I had to.
Let me take that back actually...it was not JUST this year. It has been the past couple years. I think that it has to do largely with the fact that I have found a safe and loving environment in which to celebrate this occasion and have begun to change the traditions of my past and create my own revised, updated, and modern ones.
I also think that over the past few years I have been fumbling with my relationship with the Lord. This year has been exceptionally difficult for me and my spirituality in many ways and on many levels. But, it has also brought me to a deeper understanding and feeling of closeness to Him; who He is, who I am to Him, and where I fit in this world.
Now, by no means am I claiming to have it all figured out. I would be a liar if I said I did. I am pretty sure no one does; not even the people who say they do or who you think does. What I am saying is that this year, as I am sure each year should be, has been a time of growth for me, both personally and spiritually.
I feel like I am settled in areas that I didn't even realize I wasn't settled in until I felt settled and there are still areas I need to find balance in. I feel as though I have changed in the inside, but for the better. I am able to give more openly, love more freely, and be happier with less. However, I still struggle in these areas on some levels as well. Like I said, I don't have it figured out...just a better understanding of myself BECAUSE I have learned to look to and rely on the Lord, my God.
Thinking back to my childhood, I can appreciate the fact that Mom tried to instill these things in me, even if I thought she was weird and grew up to stray far, far from the Lord; He was always in my belief system, I just didn't implement Him into my lifestyle.
Normally during the holiday season I get depressed, abuse food, gain weight, and begin the new year in self-loathe mode, even if I wear a smile and an extra ten pounds on the outside. It has been this way for as long as I can remember; I attributed this time of year to anxiety, stress, sadness, loneliness, and ultimately disappointment. I used to even go as far to say that I hated Christmas.
In my defense, I was speaking more of the greediness that goes along with the commercialism and the tizzy people would put themselves into to provide adequate gifts for the people in their lives, while going so far into debt they started out their new year not much different that I began mine.
The past two years have been different though.
I will admit that this is the first year I have even purchased a live tree and put it up in my house. This is the first year that I have gone to a store and purchased actual ornaments to go on the tree, to include multiple strands of lights. I will also admit that the thrill of decorating a beautiful tree (which it is) any way I chose (which I did) quickly faded into feelings of depression and loneliness as I sat alone in my house, the only one to see it.
I debated about getting one at all.
I am here without my Husband and the rest of my family.
I am, however, surrounded by a group of amazingly wonderful and strong women who are special to me. We have decided to spend the holiday together, making our own tradition, even if it lasts for only this season.
That is really the only reason I even put a tree up.
After a few days of coming home and seeing it, my sad thoughts began to dissipate and was replaced with anticipation of my friends' reactions when they see it lit up on Christmas Day. We are celebrating at my house (I absolutely love to entertain) with a delicious and healthy meal, time around the tree opening gifts, and spending some quality time together.
That is when I realized that the way I felt about Christmas and what I say about how I feel about Christmas is not actually how I feel about Christmas.
I still do not agree with the frantic commercialism.
I do, however, think that finding a special something for someone you love is a joyous moment; spotting something that they will really appreciate or that will make their life a little easier or more enjoyable...that is what I feel Christmas should be about.
If you think about it, it is not much different that what God did by giving us Jesus.
He gave us a gift that would bring joy to our lives upon our acceptance of it; He knew we would enjoy and benefit from this gift. It was chosen carefully, purposefully and was fully intended for our use. It was unwrapped as a surprise. He knew that by knowing Jesus Christ, our lives would become enriched, have deeper meaning, and become more fulfilling.
So, giving is one thing. Commercialism is a total other thing. But what it really comes down to is Jesus really IS the reason for the season.....maybe we should focus more on that and the fellowship with those around us. Enjoy the time with one another, relish it, savor it, imprint it in your mind, make memories from it. But please, do not lose sight of what this holiday is really about.
Now that I can see where the ill feelings stem from, it is easy for me to dismiss them and make room for new feelings with a much more positive vibe.
When the day comes and I have my own family, I definitely want Jesus to be the main focal point of this holiday instead of Santa.
I want my children growing up to understand the love God has for them; that He proved it by giving us his Son, Jesus. I want my children to understand the magnitude of that. I want them to want to give MORE than they want to receive. I want them to know the joy of seeing another's joy. I want my children to love Christmas.
I think I can finally say that I do....and not for the gifts or even the time with friends, but for the sheer fact that I know if He had never been born, His life would have never been given up to save mine. What a sad, lonely, and disappointing life it would have been then!
Who could dislike Christmas when it is looked at from that perspective??
I want to take a moment here to say a few things about this time of year. Stay with me as things might get a little messy, as I have a lot of mixed emotions about it.
As a kid, Christmas was always a stressful time for me. We were pretty much poor and couldn't afford much. We even had the Jaycee's (a charitable organization) bring gifts to the house on more than one year.
Half the time I spent the holidays at home with my Mom and the others with my Dad in another city from where I lived. My parents were divorced and I spent much of my childhood (right up until I hit adolescence) traipsing back and forth between parents' houses and schools and circles of friends; Christmas was no different.
At Mom's house, we focused more on the reason for the season and as a kid, I never really appreciated it. Instead, my young heart was envious of my friends' lavish gift displays set out by their parents; I wished I was them, that their parents were my parents.
At Dad's house, my brother and I would hit the jackpot! Keyboard, new clothes, jewelry...the catch was that I had to leave it all at Dad's house. This decision was made after the year that my Dad bought my brother and I a television set for Christmas and my mom took it back to the store to get the money. Instead of a TV, we got a large cardboard train that was big enough for us to get inside and "drive" through the garage.
So, all my cool Christmas loot was only mine part-time. I can remember feeling anxious going back to Mom's house after a Christmas at Dad's, feeling let down that I couldn't bring it home to enjoy.
Fast forward a few years and I was 14. I got a lot of gifts that year. I guess it made up for the poor quality of home life that was experienced the rest of the year. After that, Christmas kind of became one of those holidays that I just stopped caring about.
Sure, I still gave and received and had a wish list each year and even as an adult participated with an "I love the Christmas Season!" mask on and even participated in placing myself in financial distress. Honestly, it has made me uncomfortable for about half my life.
Now that I am older, looking back I see that it wasn't so much CHRISTMAS I opposed, but it was more the situations and feelings attached to it.
I still do not buy into the commercialism of the purpose for this day....although I do still give, this year it was a lot different for me.
I gave with a JOYFUL heart...because I wanted to, not because I felt like I should or I had to.
Let me take that back actually...it was not JUST this year. It has been the past couple years. I think that it has to do largely with the fact that I have found a safe and loving environment in which to celebrate this occasion and have begun to change the traditions of my past and create my own revised, updated, and modern ones.
I also think that over the past few years I have been fumbling with my relationship with the Lord. This year has been exceptionally difficult for me and my spirituality in many ways and on many levels. But, it has also brought me to a deeper understanding and feeling of closeness to Him; who He is, who I am to Him, and where I fit in this world.
Now, by no means am I claiming to have it all figured out. I would be a liar if I said I did. I am pretty sure no one does; not even the people who say they do or who you think does. What I am saying is that this year, as I am sure each year should be, has been a time of growth for me, both personally and spiritually.
I feel like I am settled in areas that I didn't even realize I wasn't settled in until I felt settled and there are still areas I need to find balance in. I feel as though I have changed in the inside, but for the better. I am able to give more openly, love more freely, and be happier with less. However, I still struggle in these areas on some levels as well. Like I said, I don't have it figured out...just a better understanding of myself BECAUSE I have learned to look to and rely on the Lord, my God.
Thinking back to my childhood, I can appreciate the fact that Mom tried to instill these things in me, even if I thought she was weird and grew up to stray far, far from the Lord; He was always in my belief system, I just didn't implement Him into my lifestyle.
Normally during the holiday season I get depressed, abuse food, gain weight, and begin the new year in self-loathe mode, even if I wear a smile and an extra ten pounds on the outside. It has been this way for as long as I can remember; I attributed this time of year to anxiety, stress, sadness, loneliness, and ultimately disappointment. I used to even go as far to say that I hated Christmas.
In my defense, I was speaking more of the greediness that goes along with the commercialism and the tizzy people would put themselves into to provide adequate gifts for the people in their lives, while going so far into debt they started out their new year not much different that I began mine.
The past two years have been different though.
I will admit that this is the first year I have even purchased a live tree and put it up in my house. This is the first year that I have gone to a store and purchased actual ornaments to go on the tree, to include multiple strands of lights. I will also admit that the thrill of decorating a beautiful tree (which it is) any way I chose (which I did) quickly faded into feelings of depression and loneliness as I sat alone in my house, the only one to see it.
I debated about getting one at all.
I am here without my Husband and the rest of my family.
I am, however, surrounded by a group of amazingly wonderful and strong women who are special to me. We have decided to spend the holiday together, making our own tradition, even if it lasts for only this season.
That is really the only reason I even put a tree up.
After a few days of coming home and seeing it, my sad thoughts began to dissipate and was replaced with anticipation of my friends' reactions when they see it lit up on Christmas Day. We are celebrating at my house (I absolutely love to entertain) with a delicious and healthy meal, time around the tree opening gifts, and spending some quality time together.
That is when I realized that the way I felt about Christmas and what I say about how I feel about Christmas is not actually how I feel about Christmas.
I still do not agree with the frantic commercialism.
I do, however, think that finding a special something for someone you love is a joyous moment; spotting something that they will really appreciate or that will make their life a little easier or more enjoyable...that is what I feel Christmas should be about.
If you think about it, it is not much different that what God did by giving us Jesus.
He gave us a gift that would bring joy to our lives upon our acceptance of it; He knew we would enjoy and benefit from this gift. It was chosen carefully, purposefully and was fully intended for our use. It was unwrapped as a surprise. He knew that by knowing Jesus Christ, our lives would become enriched, have deeper meaning, and become more fulfilling.
So, giving is one thing. Commercialism is a total other thing. But what it really comes down to is Jesus really IS the reason for the season.....maybe we should focus more on that and the fellowship with those around us. Enjoy the time with one another, relish it, savor it, imprint it in your mind, make memories from it. But please, do not lose sight of what this holiday is really about.
Now that I can see where the ill feelings stem from, it is easy for me to dismiss them and make room for new feelings with a much more positive vibe.
When the day comes and I have my own family, I definitely want Jesus to be the main focal point of this holiday instead of Santa.
I want my children growing up to understand the love God has for them; that He proved it by giving us his Son, Jesus. I want my children to understand the magnitude of that. I want them to want to give MORE than they want to receive. I want them to know the joy of seeing another's joy. I want my children to love Christmas.
I think I can finally say that I do....and not for the gifts or even the time with friends, but for the sheer fact that I know if He had never been born, His life would have never been given up to save mine. What a sad, lonely, and disappointing life it would have been then!
Who could dislike Christmas when it is looked at from that perspective??
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Gasping for Air
I feel like I cannot catch my breath....I have been going a million miles a minute and feel like I have had ZERO time to relax in the last 2 weeks. Even when I am out with friends, obligations and tasks are lurking in the back of my mind.
I am working and doing things right up until the time I go to bed. I should actually be there now, but I wanted to take a second and just get this off my chest; maybe I will feel better.
Work has been INSANE and we have been very busy...we have also had a lot of long days, leaving very little tile for much else during the week, even though that time is needed to balance my life.
For the past few months I have found it incredibly difficult to get into a groove. I feel all over the place. I feel spread too thin. I feel scattered. I feel unraveled. I feel exhausted.
This week I am really going to focus on taking some time out for myself each day, even if it is 15 minutes to just be still. I also am going to be better prepared this week so I can make it to the gym and eat clean. I did pretty well last week, up until Thursday and then it was downhill from there. I redeemed myself today and am prepped and ready to go for tomorrow.
This week will be a good week. It is the last week of full day schedule at work and next week we go to half days through the holidays, which will allow me some time to find my groove again.
Coming back into country after being gone for 5 months and having to get things back in order is hard when I have no time to do it. But, I am doing what I can when I can and I have gotten a lot accomplished; it has just been at the expense of time to do things I need to do for ME.
Tomorrow is a new day.
I am working and doing things right up until the time I go to bed. I should actually be there now, but I wanted to take a second and just get this off my chest; maybe I will feel better.
Work has been INSANE and we have been very busy...we have also had a lot of long days, leaving very little tile for much else during the week, even though that time is needed to balance my life.
For the past few months I have found it incredibly difficult to get into a groove. I feel all over the place. I feel spread too thin. I feel scattered. I feel unraveled. I feel exhausted.
This week I am really going to focus on taking some time out for myself each day, even if it is 15 minutes to just be still. I also am going to be better prepared this week so I can make it to the gym and eat clean. I did pretty well last week, up until Thursday and then it was downhill from there. I redeemed myself today and am prepped and ready to go for tomorrow.
This week will be a good week. It is the last week of full day schedule at work and next week we go to half days through the holidays, which will allow me some time to find my groove again.
Coming back into country after being gone for 5 months and having to get things back in order is hard when I have no time to do it. But, I am doing what I can when I can and I have gotten a lot accomplished; it has just been at the expense of time to do things I need to do for ME.
Tomorrow is a new day.
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