It is officially Spring.
The sun is out, birds are chirping, flowers are blooming.
As for me, it has been a tough transition from last Spring until now.
After my May 2011 competition in Kansas City, I struggled with my weight and overall body image. I began eating what I wanted, drinking, and ultimately I put on nearly 20 pounds over 10 months. That is a steady gain.
I also had foot surgery in March so I have not been super mobile in the past month and a half.
But, with that gain and struggle I learned a lot too and I really feel that in order for me to grow in this area and move on with living my life, I needed to experience the struggle. Through my recovery from surgery, I have been given the opportunity to re-focus on what is important to me in my life.
Last summer, I read a couple books that gave me good insight.
The first was "The End of Overeating. Taking Control of the Insatiable American Appetite" by David Kessler. I learned so much from this book, especially how big companies target consumers by using layering techniques of sugar, fat, and salt to keep people eating and buying more of the product. Our brains are wired to crave more sugar, fat, and salt when consumed together; the industry just preys on that fact.
The second book I read was "Intuitive Eating, a Revolutionary Program that Works" by Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch. This book dumps some common nutritional beliefs on their heads. This book focuses on how every person is different and blanket diets (or diets that lead to deprivation) are a big no-no. It also teaches about how we have this inherent ability to regulate our food intake from birth, but it is usually lost as we are brought up; parents undoubtedly influence what, when, and how much a child eats. While people may think they are doing the best thing for their child, they could be interfering with their natural ability to regulate appropriate food intake.
Their basic point is it doesn't have to be an exact amount of food day in and day out; some days you will want more and some less, but in the end, it balances out. They also believe that no food is inherently bad. What is bad is over-consumption and mindlessness.
This theory resonated with me and still does and several others whom I have studied seem to have a similar opinion. Even when I had my bouts with overeating after reading these books, I could more clearly see triggers, and could better recognize my feelings while in the moment (whereas before it was almost like an out of body experience). Even in a binge, I could be mindful. That might sound odd, but it was a step in the right direction.
When I was prepping for my competition last year, I was very hard on myself. The smallest slip up would send me reeling. I went from being an overeater (all binge, no purge) to experiencing episodes of bulimia. It was kind of enthralling at first, it made me feel powerful in a strange way. That I could command my body to rid itself of what I had desperately craved only moments earlier gave me a feeling of indestructible, although I was indeed destroying myself each time I engaged in this behavior. It did not become an problem, per se; I realized that what I was doing was completely unhealthy and that I needed to stop. Although here were not many, there were probably a half dozen episodes in a month's time.
From that, I tried to re-learn my body, my eating type, my habits. I wanted to dissect them in a way that I was too scared to do in the past. I wanted to look at myself objectively.
I have been on a journey to do just that.
While I have learned a lot about what triggers me (anger, frustration, and anxiety) I still struggle with the default state that I have grown accustomed to over the course of my life. I am better able to talk myself down from the self destruction ledge and reason with myself. Sometimes, I allow myself the indulgence; many times, I feel little to no guilt afterward. Sometimes, I do. It depends on the situation, my state of mind, and surrounding circumstances.
It is really all about perspective and where you are with yourself.
There will be good days and there will be not-so-good days. But, that is life.
I have realized what my priorities are;I also realized I was focusing way too much attention on things I cared nothing about (in the big picture).
I have decided to be gentle and loving with myself; I will treat myself well and be patient with myself.
In an effort to do just that, I have decided to start blogging again. It really helps me (and hopefully others) realize my issues and feelings about things. Sometimes I don't even know I feel a certain way until it comes out in my writing.
In an effort to be better to myself, I am really going to focus on putting good, nutritious fuel in my body and moving my body everyday.
As this post started out, it is Springtime. On a walk with my dog today, I looked up at the sky and felt ALIVE for the first time in a long time. I felt THANKFUL that God has blessed me with a capable body in which I can use to do good, healthy things. It was a remarkable feeling to realize how much I take for granted in my life. Why waste it by trying to continually destroy it?
Instead, I am choosing to cherish, honor, and nurture my mind, my body, and my spirit.
This is not a dress-rehearsal. This is my life, the only one I have on this Earth, so why not make the most of every day that I am lucky enough to be here?
This will not be accomplished easily. It will take hard work. But it is worth the dedication.
When I think of all the other things I spend time on...either through doing or pondering, I am choosing to make me and my well-being a priority.
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