14 Days...

It has been a crazy 2 weeks.

I, in my crazy wisdom, decided that some good old fashioned self destruction was in order.

My diet.....pfft!

Exercise?  It is a faint memory in the recesses of my mind.

I have been a complete mess, a train wreck...but this train is finally pulling back into the station.

This all started when I wrapped up my W30 and decided to start (responsibly) adding things back into my diet.

Then I went berserk.

THEN, last Saturday I went and got a haircut.  Up until that afternoon, I had been so looking forward to getting a great cut by my dramatic stylist at the Holistic Salon.  The spa was busy, he was in a hurry, I showed him a picture and told him to give me the same thing as last time except with shorter bangs.

When I was done, I wanted to cry. It looked AWFUL.  It was weird and stringy and mullet-like, a hair helmet (hairmet was the term Husband came up with) and NOTHING at all like what I wanted, had ever had before, or even close to what I asked for.

I high tailed it out of there before I broke into tears and took myself to a small restaurant where I gorged myself on an entree, bread, dessert, and cafe con leche.  I then proceeded to walk (this is where some of my exercise comes in) to Dunkin Donuts where I then purchased a muffin, 2 donuts, and another cafe con leche.  And then I ate it.  All. of. it.

I did it knowing full well that what I was doing was unhealthy and I didn't care.  I was punishing myself.  For what?  I don't know.  It wasn't like I cut my own hair (although it looked as though I did, blindfolded and with a machete) but I felt so angry and ugly that I wanted to further punctuate that feeling by abusing food and being cruel to myself, because after all, I deserved it. 

So dumb.

And the worst thing is...I knew it was dumb and irrational the entire time I was doing it!

Crazy.  I know.

Today I finally had it.  I put my foot down and said, "Kara, enough is enough!  You do not deserve this type of treatment!  You deserve love and respect!  You deserve to feel healthy and good!  God gave you ONE body...why the abuse?  Do you not appreciate what you have?"

I also came across something today on a blog I was reading today that hit me like a ton of bricks.

See, lately I have been dealing with some stuff (as I am sure we all have) and seem to have lost perspective.  I have been desperately searching for it and while doing so have come slightly unraveled, overwhelmed, and feel like I am spinning out of control (hence the over eating).  Much of it stems from being angry.

Now, I know what the bible says about anger and that love is slow to anger and that an angry person is a foolish one but reading this excerpt made me realize that the motivation behind my recent actions were so anger  based.

This is what got me:
                    
         "Should anybody buy into this silly notion that anger is sometimes or often necessary?
          Do you not understand that anger is almost always an emotion for people who wish to 
         control others while simultaneously failing to control themselves?......"

 Let me break this down as to why it hit me the way it did (Man, God does truly work in mysterious ways and it is amazing to me how He uses different methods of getting the point across!)

I have been searching lately....searching for an answer to my woes not even fully comprehending what my woes are.  I was searching in the dark basically. 

I have had an incredulous attitude, have been completely unmotivated to see the positive side of anything, and I have been sure to voice my complaints loud and proud, to anyone that would listen, whether they wanted to or not.  I can almost guarantee it was the latter.  

Thankfully, I have a wonderful Husband who I can confide in and he always gives me loving (and very logical and honest) advice; he has played a huge role in gaining perspective.   


Luckily, I also have good friends around me that don't get too hung up on my moodiness and know me for me and love me regardless.  I will say, however, that I was unfairly taking advantage of that leeway and was totally abusing that boundary.  For that I did apologize and I feel really bad about it but all I can do is look ahead and not allow a repeat offense in the future.


So, this morning as I was reading another blog post on this man's site, I perused older posts and found one that was called You Just Broke Your Child.  Congratulations. 


It really had nothing to do with this post necessarily, but that one blurb really was exactly what I needed to read. 


It spoke to my heart.  A little off the subjst for a moment, I think everyone should read this post, whether you have kids or not...If you are even considering having a child, please take a few minutes and read this post.


It brought me back to my childhood. 


But it helped me realize that I was in fact acting out of anger.


There are situations in my life and people that determine those situations and their outcomes that I have absolutely no say or control over; I just have to abide by the decisions and live them out.  Lately it has been a lot for me to deal with (and in all honesty it made me mad).  That is just about the time the spiral started.

Then other situations or circumstances in my life felt out of control and then my haircut happened which as silly as it may sound only compounded the other feelings of anger I had been repressing and  it was also a pretty traumatic experience for me.  

I was angry!

I was angry that I could not control these circumstances and situations and I really was unable to control myself on certain levels.  I allowed myself to swirl down the spiral of despair and had blinders on to all the good around me; all I chose to focus on was the negative, the bad, whatever was against what I wanted.  

I had to remind myself yesterday that the world did not revolve around me and my wants and needs. 


But today, I decided that it was time for a new attitude.  It was time for a change.


I don't want to live an angry life as an angry person.


I have so much to be thankful for and to be happy about.  


Sometimes I allow myself to get wrapped up in material things and overlook the priceless things.  Sometimes I get my priorities out of order.  Sometimes I feel overwhelmed and a little out of control.  


I am bound to make mistakes and get angry from time to time, but I really hope that this new perspective helps me handle things a lot differently the next time I am faced with something that is out of my control.


It is much like the Serenity Prayer...


          "  God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot
         change; courage to change the things I can; and the
         wisdom to know the difference."